NEVER SAY NEVER by JBSBUTTERFLY

Disclaimer: I don't own Green Wing, sadly. I don't own Mac, most unfourtunately. I'm just an obsessive fan who likes to write stories about the characters. The characters that don't belong to me. You getting the message yet? Well, if not, I'll put it plainly. Don't sue me!

Description: Caroline thinks she loves Mac, but she's confused. Mac thinks he loves Caroline, but he's scared. So she tries to avoid the questions whilst he tries to avoid his feelings. But they're lucky, because they have good friends. Martin is there when Caroline needs to talk, and surprisingly so is Sue White. And as for Mac, he finds a friend in the last place he expected: Guy. With Guy showing his softer side and Caroline working through her confusion, will Mac and Caroline finally get the happy ending they deserve? This fic is trying to show a softer and more serious side to characters like Guy and Sue and show the real people that characters like Caroline and Mac hide from the world. And as for Martin? Well, the only thing I'm trying to prove there is that he can do some things right, even if they're as seemingly simple as being a good friend.

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Never Say Never

1. Watching The Credits Roll By

“I sit alone

Dark theater watchin' the people go by

hand in hand,

everybody but me

I stay behind,

watchin' the credits roll by roll, roll, roll, right by me”

Bonnie McKee - Somebody

Caroline stood outside the hospital, looking at the building. Wondering if he was inside. She glanced around the car park, but she couldn’t see his motorbike anywhere. She took a deep breath and walked inside. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to talk to him, or if she was dreading seeing him. What was she going to say? I love you seemed a little strong. But it was how she felt. On the other hand, they had kissed. And they’d come close enough times. All that quick wit he came up with when she was around. Was that because he didn’t want to have feelings for her, because he did have feelings for her or because he had feelings for her but didn’t want them. It was all so confusing, and her head was spinning.

“Hi Caroline” Martin smiled, walking up to her.
“Hi Martin” she mumbled.
“Something up?” Martin frowned.
“Yes...well no...maybe. I don’t now. I guess I’m just overly confused today”
“Overly confused” Martin nodded, as if it had some deep meaning that he empathised with.
“What did you say that for”
“To sound sympathetic without saying the wrong thing”
“Thanks Martin” she smiled. He smiled back sheepishly.
“It’s about Mac isn’t it” he said quietly after a minute. She sighed, looking around, avoiding his eyes.
“Yes...yes it is” she said, finally meeting his eyes, then quickly diverting her gaze to the floor. Martin nodded and they walked off, going their separate ways.

It wasn’t easy, feeling something so strongly for someone like Mac. Mac always had an element of mystery to him. As if he was always waiting for his past to come back and get him or his actions to do him disfavour. Her heart was heavy. Why was life so complicated to lead? It would probably be a lot less difficult if there weren’t other people in it to mess with your heart and your head. Mac did both to her. He complicated, confused, twisted, changed, messed, dazed. But she couldn’t even be annoyed about it. She could, but it wasn’t real. It was a show, to hide her feelings.

She turned the corner and was dismayed to find herself face to face with Sue White.
“Something troubling you Caroline?” she asked, in a voice that was so lacking in sympathy that Caroline winced.
“I’m just a little...dazed”
“Late night? Morning after? Hit by a bus?”
“I’m sorry”
“Well? Why are you dazed Dr.Trodd? Tell aunty Sue”
“Ok, you’re scaring me now.”
“Charming!” Sue retorted, flicking her hair and marching off. Caroline let out a sigh of relief.

She felt like she was just waiting for a climax that was never going to come. As if she’d just watched a movie, and the ending had left her wanting more so she was just sitting and watching the credits roll by. It was something she had never felt before, and it was something that told her Mac was different to very other guy she had ever met. He was special. Was he love? She wasn’t entirely sure. If he felt for her what she felt for him, then maybe. Maybe he was love. But she didn’t know what to think if he didn’t feel the same. She didn’t know what she would do or say...or feel if he pushed her away.

She came in to the doctors’ room, and slumped in to the chair, resting her head on the table. Then she froze, not that she was moving that much to begin with.
“...and I suppose this is taking in to account the fact that most women are repulsed by you” a familiar voice said matter-of-factly. Caroline sat up slowly and turned in her seat to see Mac and Guy at the counter. Mac didn’t see her, and he wandered off towards the lockers. Did he not see her on purpose? Or was it a genuine mistake? She didn’t know what to think anymore. She turned back, not wanting to talk to Guy. Mac was right, as always, most women were repulsed byGuy and she was one of them. It wasn’t that he didn’t have the looks, it was just that he didn’t have the personality. Mac had both. And there she went again. Mac Mac Mac. Why did everything lead back to him in her head?

----------

Mac stood outside the hospital, looking at the building. Wondering if she was inside. He glanced around the car park, but he couldn’t see her car anywhere. But then he didn’t have strong recollections of what her car looked like. He took a deep breath and walked inside. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to talk to her, or if he was dreading seeing her. What would she say and what would his response be? He wasn’t even sure how he felt right now. And how did she feel? They had kissed. And they’d come close enough times. All that quick wit he came up with when she was around. Was that because he didn’t want to have feelings for her, because he did have feelings for her or because he had feelings for her but didn’t want them. It was all so confusing, and his head was spinning. No one had made him feel like this since Holly. But then, with Holly it had been simple. Why was this so complicated?

“Hi Mac” Martin smiled, spotting him as he came in through the doors.
“Hi Martin” he smiled.
“How are you?” Martin asked brightly.
“I’m very well thanks mate. And how about you? How’ve the patients been recently”
“Good, I’m...good. And the patients...are ok. I still don’t think they like me” Martin sighed.
“I’m sure they’ll come round”
“Thanks Mac”
“Pleasure, see you later? Ok mate?”
“Sure. See ya Mac” Martin called after him.

It wasn’t easy, feeling something so strongly for someone after Holly. Mac was always waiting for the next heartbreak. Waiting for his past to come back and get him or his actions to do him disfavour. Why was life so complicated to lead? It would probably be a lot less difficult if there weren’t other people in it to mess with your heart and your head. Love did both to him, and love was only there because of people. The people he loved complicated, confused, twisted, changed, messed, dazed. But he couldn’t even be annoyed at Caroline for it, though he could for Holly. So did that mean Caroline was special then? If so, how could he doubt her? Because he was scared. His smiles were just a show, to hide his feelings.

He turned the corner and was dismayed to find himself face to face with Guy.
“Morning” Guy greeted.
“And a very good morning to you too” Mac said, in the tone he always used when dealing with Guy.
“I’ve discovered the secret”
“What?”
“To getting Caroline in to bed. I know the trick”
“Sure you do...and this secret would be?” Mac sighed,disinterestedly.
“Well, that would be telling. But you know, I can bed any woman I wantjust by flashing my amazing smile” Guy said.
“Right”
“I’ll have slept with her by tomorrow, you wait.”

He came in to the doctors’ room. She was in there, slumped a chair, resting her head on the table

“And I suppose this is taking in to account the fact that most women are repulsed by you” Mac said matter-of-factly. Guy rolled his eyes and delvedin to the fridge. Mac tried not to see Caroline, and he wandered off towards the lockers. He felt like he was just waiting for a heartbreak. Possibly a heartbreak that was never going to come. It was as if he’d just watched a movie, and the ending had left him feeling like the happy ending was all going to crack so he was just sitting and watching the credits roll by as if at the end he would see the true story. It was something he had never felt before, and it was something that told him Caroline was different to very other woman he had ever met. She was special. Was she love? He wasn’t entirely sure. He didn’t know what he would do or say...or feel if she broke his heart. He didn’t know what to think anymore. He looked back at her. Why did everything lead back to her in his head? Even his eyes found their way back to her. Even his heart.

2. Perfect Posture But You’re Barely Scraping By

“I'm trying not to feel you

But you just brushed by

And if you dare to cross that line you know

My toes would step on fire

Oh sizzle when it's face on face

And skin on skin

I'm trying to keep you out

And I’m trying to keep me in”

Ainslie – Keep Me A Secret

Caroline looked around, she couldn’t see Mac anywhere. She recalled the last party she had held at her house and smiled. Although most memories of that night were a little fuzzy, she could still picture clearly what had happened with Mac. She also knew from Martin that Mac had been keeping an eye out for her that night. It made her smile just thinking of the idea that he had caught her as she fell backwards. He caught her and she was lying in his arms. And then...well. That was a memory no amount of alcohol could truly remove. Sure, the day after it was all a blur but now it was as clear as crystal.

Mac, in effect, had stolen her life. Every day just faded to grey unless he let slip a smile in her direction or unless she brushed past him, the contact sending chills up her spine. Pleasure was something she had thought she understood, then Mac kissed her and everything changed. Pleasure was something different to what it had been before and it was rarer and briefer. She knew it was silly, to peruse a dream that Mac would turn around one day and sweep her up in his arms kissing her passionately then take her off in to the sunset for a happy ending. She was wishing her life away on things that she would probably never get the courage to tell him.

She spotted out of the corner of her eye, the hint of a flowing shirt. A slight flash of strawberry blonde hair. It was Mac, it had to be Mac. She got up and followed him. He stopped in a quiet corner, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes. She took a deep breath and got up the courage to speak.
“Hi” she managed. Hi? Hi? You’re in the middle of deciding if this man is the love of your life and the best you can do is hi? She thought. He lifted his head, opening his eyes and focusing on her.
“Hi” he nodded, hinting for her to continue. Was she that obvious, could he really tell she had more to say? So, so much more to say.
“I...I’m...I’ve”
“You, you are, you have?” he smiled mischievously.
“Sorry...I guess I just get...stutter shook around you”
“Really? And why might that be?” he asked. She stepped closer so they were standing quite close together.
“Well, I er...I don’t know. I guess I’m always trying to make an impression around you. Have I”
“Have you what”
“Made an impression”
“More than you’ll know” he said softly.

She looked in to his eyes. She was almost lost in them, drowning in their beautiful blue-grey. Mystified by the hint of green creeping in softly as she stared. He seemed equally mesmerised by her, but she couldn’t say for sure. You could never tell with Mac. She knew what was going to happen next. Whether Mac would pull away before the climax was another matter. But no matter what, they would at least come close. Once more their faces would be close enough to kiss. But would they? He put his hand softly on her cheek as their faces came even closer. They kissed and she was in another world. Nothing else but Mac existed. He was her world. They pulled back, regaining and holding on to the eye contact. Then drawing closer again. Almost. But no.

“Caroline I er...oh I’m sorry am I...er...?” Angela said, hovering at Caroline’s side uncertainly.
“No, no. I was just...just speaking with Mac.” Mac did one of his laughing smiles and walked away. Damn it Angela, that was my chance. She thought. Then she sighed and walked away.

---------

Caroline buried her head in her hands. She couldn’t do this, she had to find Mac. She wanted to know how to feel, she wanted to know where to start, what this meant, what was real. She wanted to know who he was. Who is really was inside. And what she wanted more than anything was for Mac to hold her in his arms and make all her problems go away. She wanted him to look after her, because goodness knows she needed looking after. She was falling to pieces inside and no one knew. She wanted to tell Mac, but she didn’t have the courage.

Maybe she should go home and hide from her problems. Or perhaps denial was her only option. But no. Who was she kidding? Who was she trying to persuade? She couldn’t hide from her feelings at home. It would just end up with her sitting in the bathroom crying. And as for denial, that would never work. Not with Mac around. How can you deny that you love someone when their smile gives you a warmth inside you cannot describe, when their voice sets a smile upon your face and when their touch sends shivers down your spine? It cannot be done.

She remembered what she used to think of him. Hate and love were only separated by a fine line. And she had been right about the kind eyes. No one knew how she felt, although Angela and Martin had a fair idea. Maybe she should ask them for help. Not Angela. She would make her feel inadequate, which was something Caroline was capable of doing to herself without any help. Not good enough for Mac. But maybe Martin would understand. Or maybe she should just continue as she was. She didn’t need anyone to make her feel as if she wasn’t good enough for Mac. Because she wasn’t good enough for him, or at least that’s how she saw it.

And yet, she still loved him. It is said that love is blind and without reason. And that would be true. It doesn’t always choose carefully as to where it finds itself and it discards all knowledge of the past and the pains and secrets that may be buried in that past. Neither does it do anything to ease the frustrations and complications it creates for those it inflicts. But it is also said that if love is true, then it will find a way. But for Caroline this seemed hard to believe.

Of course as she dithered on what to do, her heart and mind in knots, she avoided the one person she should go to. She had to go to. She didn’t want to put him as a possibility. She didn’t have the strength or the courage to ask him about this. But she had to. She had to find Mac. She had to find out how he felt. She had to find out now. Before she got dragged even further in to a mire of despair.

It is said that love is never easy. It is said love is misunderstood. It is said that a kiss doesn’t mean a thing. Caroline disagreed with each of these statements. To her love was Mac. And to her, Mac was complicated but worth every complication just for a brush of his skin against hers.

She came out in to the corridor. Mac was there. That made it a little easier for her. Less chance to change her mind or lose her courage. She quickly ran after him, grabbing his arm. As he turned, she savoured the simple feel of his shirt. A sensual experience that somehow made her feel weak. She ran her hand down his arm and then realised he could tell what she was doing. Possibly even that she was enjoying it. Self-consciously she removed her hand. But he acted naturally. Except for a secret smile that let her know he had seen her pleasure.

“How can I help you?” he smiled. She looked around, delaying what she had to say. But it was too late now, it was going to be said. It had to be said.
“Where are we?” she asked, looking up at him once more. He did another one of his secret smiles. She had seen them so often. Mac always seemed to know how to hide his feeling and his past, but see in to others’ hearts and their pasts. And those secret smiles were the signal that he knew.
“At a crossroads” he said softly. The double meaning affected both of them. They were standing at a crossroads in the literal sense, that was true. But that wasn’t all he had meant, she was sure of it.

“Mac I...I have some things on my mind and...and it’s hard for me to say them. To anyone. And...well you’re the only person I can say them to, but you’re also the only person I need to say this to”
“Go on” Mac said gently, but hesitantly.
“I...well...how can I explain...I just...I can’t stop what you’ve begun...or maybe...maybe I started it but...look Mac I just...I can’t stop thinking about you and me and...this”
“This”
“Yes...and...well when I look at you, when I look in to your eyes I realise I don’t know you but I also realise I don’t care. Because when I look at you, suddenly it’s clear. It’s clear that...” but she just froze. Could she say it? Did Mac know what she wanted to say?
“Well that’s erm...very kind of you but I...I just really have to...look, I’m sorry. Trust me, I mean that more than you will know. But I just can’t be here right now and I just can’t for reasons that I wish I could tell you but I...I would rather forget them. I’m sorry Caroline, I really am” Mac said gentle. She could hear the note of pain in his voice, but as he turned and walked away the fact he was hurting didn’t make the fact she was hurting any easier for her.

“But Mac...” she called after him, “...I love you” she whispered. A single tear traced down her cheek as she stood there listening to the eyrie silence. As if the whole hospital had stopped to let her continue to hear the echoes of Mac’s words as he had turned and gone. She stood dead still, listening to the dead silence and she felt something inside of her die as that single tear continued to slide slowly down her cheek.

She thought she was alone. But no. In fact, two more people shared her pain. Around the corner at the end of the corridor stood Mac. He head in his hands. Ready to cry but determined not to. And looking on from the top of the corridor, just out of sight from Caroline, stood Sue. And she had seen it unfold before her, and heard every word no matter if it was whispered or not. And something happened to Sue that she never thought would happen to her. She felt sympathy. And for Caroline. Mac too. Both were hurting and she was surprised that it killed her inside to see it before her. She blinked, fighting a tear. And as one tear escaped, she looked around then briskly turned away. She needed to do something, but she had no clue what.

But Caroline couldn’t bring herself to move. So she just stood there, feeling her world melt away. His touch made her fall in love. Skin on skin meant electricity within her. But his words made her fall to pieces. His words meant not that he didn’t love her, but that he couldn’t. And he couldn’t even tell her why.

----------

Mac felt a hand grab his arm. He turned and the hand ran gently and slowly down his arm with a soft rustling of smooth fabric. The sound to him, was the same as her touch and he silently revelled in it. Outwardly he acted normally but inwardly he ran away, not knowing whether to smile for the joy of seeing her or scream at the confusion of loving her. She looked up at him, staring in to his eyes, then she seemed to realise she was still holding his arm. Quickly and self-consciously she removed her hand and looked away.
“Can I help you?” Mac smiled. She looked around her and then finally looked up at him once more.
“Where are we?” she asked slowly. Mac just smiled.
“At a crossroads” he said. The double meaning affected both of them. They were, it had to be said, standing at a point where the corridor branched out in four directions. But that wasn’t all he had meant when he had said they were at a crossroads.

“Mac I...I have some things on my mind and...and it’s hard for me to say them. To anyone. And...well you’re the only person I can say them to, but you’re also the only person I need to say this to”
“Go on” Mac said gently, but hesitantly. He could second guess what she was going to say. And he knew it would mix him up inside even further. But he couldn’t walk away, then he would be doing to her what he was so afraid she would do to him. Maybe he should let her go on, then when the time was right, explain to her. But he couldn’t tell her his past, he couldn’t tell her his fears. Because part of his fears was that she would throw those fears back in his face and laugh. Maybe he should tell her he was sorry, tell her he meant it in more ways than one.
“I...well...how can I explain...I just...I can’t stop what you’ve begun...or maybe...maybe I started it but...look Mac I just...I can’t stop thinking about you and me and...this”
“This?” he asked, shifting slightly. He felt his stomach flip. He was nervous. He didn’t know what to do, what to say. And how to do or say it.
“Yes...and...well when I look at you, when I look in to your eyes I realise I don’t know you but I also realise I don’t care. Because when I look at you, suddenly it’s clear. It’s clear that...” but she just froze. He had to leave, before she found the courage to say the three words he longed to hear but loathed the uncertainty of trusting.
“Well that’s erm...very kind of you but I...I just really have to...look, I’m sorry. Trust me, I mean that more than you will know. But I just can’t be here right now and I just can’t for reasons that I wish I could tell you but I...I would rather forget them. I’m sorry Caroline, I really am” Mac said, hoping she would understand. Hoping she wouldn’t ask him for answers and reasons he couldn’t give to her. He hoped she could hear the note of pain in his voice and understand that there was heartbreak there as he turned away. But as he turned away, even though he knew she understood he wasn’t leaving to be cruel, it didn’t make him feel any better about turning his back.

“But Mac...” she called after him. But he turned the corner. He wanted to keep walking but he couldn’t. His legs refused to let him continue. He stopped, leaning against the wall, closing his eyes. He ran his hand over his face. Fighting off tears, her let out a long sigh. This was a mess. He was a mess. He was broken.

He thought he was alone. But no. In fact, he was being watched. Just along the corridor, hovering in a doorway, was Guy. He was silent and shocked. He felt fro Mac, something he never thought he would do. And Guy realised, as he watched Mac who was clearly torn up and clearly in love, that Mac needed a friend. And he realised he should be a friend to Mac for once. And be a good friend too. He took in a quick breath and walked away. He didn’t want Mac to find him watching, Mac needed to be alone now. And so he left him alone, clearing his mind.

But Mac couldn’t clear his mind. So he just stood there, feeling the world melt away. Feeling his heart tying itself in knots. He had to keep Caroline out, keep himself inside. And he had to keep up his pretences. Perfect posture, even though he was barely scraping by.

---------

The More You Know the Less You Feel.

“The more you see, the less you know

Unless you find out as you go”

U2 - City Of Blinding Lights

A week passed by and although questions and confusion still ravaged their minds, Mac and Caroline no longer let their hearts ruler their heads. Life slipped back in to it’s quirky rhythm. Mac and Caroline got by on stolen glances, brief exchanges of words, flitting smiles and double meanings with the occasional brush of fingers as they busied themselves with distractions. Mac kept on in his calm in the storm manner, going back to the time before confusion when he was just Mac and happy to be so. Caroline meanwhile, continued on in her haphazard manner, suppressing her feelings and returning to the normal confusions she suffered from the eccentricities of her life. The oddity and absurdity of normal life also returned to Sue and Guy. Sue, still happy to insult, scare, mock and blatantly ignore all who entered her office. And as for Guy, he returned to boasting, belittling and bickering. Work in this hospital: humdrum of the extraordinary kind which made the worries of the last week fade to grey.

And now, Caroline leant against the counter chewing her pencil and smiling lightly to herself. She was content...in a weird incomplete kind of way. She stared down at the papers in front of her but she didn’t focus on the words on the page. She focused on the word she could hear coming from the corridor. “...yeah, I’ll be there in a minute. I’ve just got to quickly go and see someone.”

She knew Mac’s voice anywhere and a part of her silently hoped it was her he had to quickly come and see. She turned as he appeared in the doorway and made his way over to her.
“Morning” he smiled politely with a little nod at her.
“Hi Mac” she said, returning his smile.
“So, not to question my luck, but what brings you here? You’re rushed off your feet this week”
“I’m here because of Guy...well, sort of. Actually, it’s you I need” Mac said.
“Really? Well then, what can I do for you”
“I wonder if you could give this to Guy for me. Internal mail, got sent to me by mistake. I don’t have time to go and search for him and I knew you would be here and that you’ll be seeing him at some point today. So, I was hoping I could leave it with you and you could pass it on to him when you see him” Mac asked, holding out an envelope to her. Her face felt hot from his gaze.
“Certainly. Simple enough really, not even I can screw that up” she smiled.
“Well, that’s what I thought” he smiled playfully and she laughed. As she took the letter, their fingers touched, brushing each other slightly. Both of them smiled, looking at each other, glancing away and then they turned back to each other again. Their smiles widened briefly, before slowly and reluctantly they withdrew their hands.
“Right, well. Thank you. Try not to mess it up” Mac said with a wink.
“I’ll try not to” she replied, smirking.
“I’d best be off then. Bye” Mac said, starting to turn.
“See you later then”
“It’s very likely you will” Mac grinned, looking back and flashing her another wink before hurrying off. Caroline smiled softly to herself, then put the envelope down and returned to her papers.

“You really like Mac don’t you” said a voice to her side. She jumped slightly and looked down.
“Oh Martin, it’s you. You scared me”
“Sorry...but it’s true though isn’t it”
“Martin I”
“I knew it”
“What’s true, what did you know”
“Never mind” Martin said.
“Tell me”
“It’s just, I’ve seen the way you two look at each other. And I’ve seen the way you look at him as he’s walking away. You’re both my friends, and I can see what you’re both doing to each other” Martin said quietly. Caroline let her jaw drop a little then finally she found words.
“Since when were you so bright?” she asked. Martin just smiled.
“Just think about it Caroline. You don’t have to be a genius to understand, you just have to have a different perspective.”

Caroline was a little taken aback by Martin’s insight.
“Morning Fartin...and the other one” came a voice from over by the fridge.
“I see you’ve been taking lessons in charm from Mac. Although I even get a warmer welcome from him these days” Caroline sighed.
“Is that so, he must be up to something” Guy sneered coming over to her and Martin.
“If you say so. Anyway speaking of Mac; he just dropped this off for you” Caroline said, handing him the envelope. Guy frowned as he took it.
“Why?” he asked.
“I’m no expert, but I presume he just wanted it to get to you as quick as possible”
“But why didn’t he just give it to me”
“Well, we both know he’s been unbelievably busy recently. He probably thought I would see you first”
“Yeah, but he didn’t did he. We spoke when he was coming in here. I was right outside the door”
“Getting your different perspective yet?” Martin asked, gathering his many folders and books and walking off. Caroline blinked trying to sort out her thoughts.

“But, if he knew he could have just given it to you then why did he go out of his way to make sure I got it?” Caroline wondered aloud. But she got no answer, as Guy was already heading off to get some answers of his own. After what he’d seen last week, he knew he should really at least try and do something.

----------

Mac turned the corner, smiling to himself. Ok, so his life was hectic at work right now and emotionally he was kind of mixed up but he was ok with it. Work kept him away from and close to Caroline in a strange balance that worked for him. And judging by her smile, it worked for her too. He glanced at his watch. He wasn’t running late for a change. In fact, he had plenty of time to spare.
“Mac” someone called. Good job he had time on his hands. He turned to see Angela.
“Yes, I am Mac. What can I do for you?” he asked.
“I’ve got some...awkward news” Angela replied.
“Really. Why do I get the feeling the name Holly is about to be mentioned”
“Oh please don’t be like that”
“Like what? It’s the truth isn’t it”
“Well...yes but”
“But nothing. No, come on tell me. What awkward news of Holly have you brought for me today”
“She’s called off her engagement” Angela said, wincing in advance. That showed how little she really knew Mac. He rarely lost his cool, although there had been two occasions where anger had gotten the better of him. But Guy had deserved what he got, both times. The scalpel and the cereal were just punishments. Usually Mac dealt with his emotions inwardly, quietly.

“She called it off” he said slowly.
“Yes...because she thought she might”
“She thought she might”
“She thought she might still love you.”

Mac closed his eyes and shook his head.
“Unbelievable” he muttered.
“I’m sorry Mac”
“No, no, it’s ok. It’s fine”
“You don’t mean that”
“No, you’re right I don’t. But I have things to do, so if you’ll just excuse me”
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk”
“Yup”
“Yes as in yes you wanna talk”
“No, yes as in I’m sure I don’t want to talk”
“Is that wise”
“Probably not, but I have a job to do”
“Oh, but Mac I”
“Angela, stop. Just, let me walk away. Let me at least try and forget her”
“But how would you do that if she, say, I don’t know, turned up here”
“If she wants to come and talk to me, she can. But she has to come to me. I stopped following her around a while ago now.”

----------

“So”
“So”
“About Mac”
“This is about Mac you say”
“Yes”
“Ah...I see. What about him”
“I think he’s...under some emotional strain. You know, wussy type stuff” Guy replied.

Sue and Guy sat in silence. It was the third silence that had descended upon them since Guy had got here.
“He’s in...y’know” Guy looked at the floor and then mumbled “love”
“With Caroline”
“How’d you know that!” Guy exclaimed, looking around for hidden cameras. Sue looked smug and tapped her nose. She folded her arms and leant back. Guy followed suite and they stared at each other across the desk.
“Do you want this to turn nasty Mr.Secretan”
“Bitch”
“Wanker.”

Silence fell on the room once more. Sue leant forward again, still eyeing Guy over.
“Do you think we should do something?” Sue asked.
“What? Here? Now”
“Not that something you twat”
“Oh...what then”
“About Mac and Caroline”
“Oh...like what”
“I don’t know”
“But you’re supposed to aren’t you? Being like a counsellor type person or something”
“I don’t feel sympathy Mr.Secretan. I just pretend to listen and sometimes, when I can be bothered, I pretend to care”
“Ah.”

Silence.
“We could be friends to them” Guy said at last. Sue raised an eyebrow.
“Yes”
“We’d be acting, obviously but”
“Obviously, but”
“It might”
“I could”
“It could perhaps, maybe, perhaps work. Yes.”

More silence.
“There is a sexual tension in this room that is preventing me from leaving” Guy said.
“Right...and would you like to explore that”
“No, not really”
“Another time maybe”
“Yes”
“Well then, off you go”
“I can’t”
“Ok then...well. We’ll just sit here until you can move”
“Right. Ok.”

Silence again. Then eventually, Guy left.

----------

Martin was proud to be friends with Mac. It was elevating somehow. He was friends with one of the most popular people in the hospital. Ok, so there were people with a higher social status than Mac. But Mac was up there. And to Martin’s mind, that meant he was up there too. Martin was also proud to be friends with Caroline. It was motivational somehow that he was friends with the girl Mac and Guy were rivals for. Although truly there was no competition. Guy’s brief stay in her heart was bought with lies. But Martin was already close to her. Before either of them had even given her a kind word.

He glanced over at Mac, who was searching through some files. He glanced over at Guy who was lying on the table attempting to win over some woman. He glanced over at Caroline who was sat staring at Mac, distractedly eating her pen. He willed Mac to look up and smile at her. He willed Guy to go away. He willed Caroline to get up her courage and go over to Mac. Maybe he was prying, or overly hopeful. Or maybe he was right.

Mac looked up from his papers. He smiled at Caroline who hurriedly attempted to act like she hadn’t been staring at him for the past ten minutes.
“Have you seen the Jenkins file?” he asked, walking over to her.
“No, I thought you collected it” Caroline said.
“Ah...yeah...I just didn’t have time this morning sorry” Mac said.
“Oh it’s ok. I know how busy you are”
“But you do realise this means one of us has to go and find Dr.Statham”
“Shit” Caroline said bluntly. Mac smirked.
“Here, we’ll sort this fairly” he said, holding out one hand.
“Rock paper scissors?” she asked, raising a eyebrow.
“I said fairly, I never mentioned anything about maturely” he smiled. She laughed.
“One, two, three” he counted. They revealed their hand. Mac had paper. Caroline had rock.
“Paper covers rock” he said slowly, softly, placing his hand over hers. She smiled, and they remained frozen like that for a few lingering moments. Then they stepped back.
“I’d better go and find him then” she sighed.
“Good luck” he said, and she walked away.

She didn’t mind losing, it had definitely had its reward. She was new to this love thing, but she was finding out as she went. Finding secrets and snatched moments everywhere you look. Knowing and feeling are two very different things and perhaps that was why all this was so confusing. But the more you see of someone, the less you know and the more you feel and the less you know. Confusing? Then it must be something. And that’s what she kept whispering to herself: it must be something.

Drowning In A Coffee Cup With Dr. Guy Secretan

“We’ve been on this shift too long, take a break”
R.E.M. – Driver

“...there’s a really interesting piece of wall I just have to talk to over there about the rate at which paint dries” Mac said, getting up and leaving the table.
“I see you’ve managed to scare Mac away then” Caroline sighed, taking Mac’s empty seat.
“It doesn’t stand for useless twat, I know it doesn’t” Martin said to Guy in childish protest and he walked away too.
“And Martin it would seem. Go on then, when have you been saying”
“Ah, now that my friend, would be telling.”

Caroline rolled her eyes. Guy could never just say what he meant. He had to make it seem like he knew something you didn’t. Although in fact it was the exact opposite. Everyone else knew something he didn’t. They knew he was a complete wanker and he didn’t. She rubbed her eyes and yawned. It had been a long shift. But at least she could go home now. Mac couldn’t. His shift started before hers, ended after hers and very rarely collided with hers in between. She felt like she’d hardly seen him. But, much to her enjoyment, Angela was equally busy this week. It had been almost like living alone. The bliss was amazing. And she didn’t feel quite so incompetent when Angela wasn’t around.

“I need to sleep” she said through another yawn, rubbing her hands over her face.
“I know what you need and it’s certainly not sleep” Guy commented.
“Do you ever think of anything else?...Oh, wait no you do. You think of that and of yourself” she replied sharply.
“That was a bit harsh, I think about food sometimes”
“Oh, I’m so sorry. I underestimated you”
“All I want is a little credit”
“All you want is a personality...sorry no. That would be a need not a want”
“You’re prickly this evening”
“It’s been a long shift”
“Yeah, well I’ve had a long day too but I’m still Mr.Wonderful. Plenty of life left in me, want me to show you”
“Oh just stop it will you”
“Stop what”
“Urgh, never mind” Caroline moaned, getting up and starting to walk off. Guy sat alone at the table. He shook his head.
“Honestly, I’m beginning to wonder why I waste myself on these people” he sighed. Caroline shook her head as she left. He was unbelievably arrogant.

----------

“Hello little people” Guy greeted, coming to sit at the table with Mac and Martin.
“Fatal flaw in your plan there: I’m the same height as you” Mac said matter-of-factly without looking up from the newspaper.
“Yes, but still. You are beneath me”
“No, I’m not. Because I am not only the same height as you but I am also a surgeon. Pretty sure that puts me above you” Mac replied, still not looking up.
“Well actually anaesthetists are above surgeons and anyway, I am of a higher social standard than you”
“Not this again” Mac sighed.
“Tell you what, I’ll make a deal with you: Martin is the little person and you are just...a thing not worthy of a name”
“If it was worth my time, I would object to being called a thing”
“And I object to being called a little person just because I’m smaller” Martin put in.
“Sorry, you can’t argue with me” Guy replied quickly.
“Why not?” Martin asked.
“Well...do you know what my name means in Swiss”
“This should be good” Mac smirked quietly, finally looking up.
“Go on, what does it mean. Egotistical wanker?” Mac asked him.
“Er, no. It means intelligent, powerful and superior.”

Mac laughed.
“Really” he smiled.
“What? I can’t see anything wrong with it” Guy replied.
“No, no. Of course. Sorry”
“And anyway, you know what Martin means in Swiss”
“No” Martin said.
“Useless twat who will never succeed”
“That was uncalled for” Mac said to Guy then he patted Martin on the shoulder, “Don’t listen to him”
“Yeah, well you would say that, ginge”
“I’ll have you know I am a blonde bombshell, albeit a strawberry one. Now if you don’t mind, I have to go. I’m heartbroken, truly, but there’s a really interesting piece of wall I just have to talk to over there about the rate at which paint dries” Mac said, getting up and leaving the table. He glanced over to see Caroline taking his seat. He almost flashed her a smile, then thought the better of it. He couldn’t carry on with this.

He made his way towards liaisons. Although his meetings with Sue White were normally an ordeal to say the least, he would rather be subjected to her than Guy.

----------

“ Go home Mac” said a voice from the other side of the room.
“You still here?” Mac asked, opening his eyes. He looked over to where Guy stood.
“Yes. You”
“Yes” Mac said with a frown.
“No”
“What”
“No, you’re not still here. You’ve gone somewhere”
“I beg your pardon”
“It’s not for me to say”
“That doesn’t normally stop you” Mac retorted quickly.
“Yes, well, this isn’t exactly normal for me. I’m giving you the time of day, or indeed night. I’m sacrificing precious “Guy Time” you know”
“Of course, so sorry”
“Take a break Mac, you’ve been on this shift too long and you’ve been staying strong too well...I know about Holly”
“Everyone seems to, and before me”
“Mac”
“Guy, I appreciate what you’re saying. And what you’re doing, y’ know: being a friend not a twat but”
“Look, I can understand you not wanting to hear this from me. I can even just about let you go on in your normal way of ignoring the Holly thing. But I can’t let you as good as kill yourself with the work you’re burying yourself in to get away from everything”
“Guy, what’s with this change in you”
“Maybe I’m tired, or maybe I’m finally seeing that you need a friend. And I should really try to be that friend”
“Thank you...but shall we just say that you’re tired”
“Yes, thank you Mac”
“Pleasure...and I appreciate what you’re saying. I just can’t see the point of coming out the other end of the tunnel right now. I’m quite happy to carry on sitting in the dark, if you catch my meaning” Mac smiled, and he got up and walked off. Guy sighed. What had gotten in to him? He had just been a friend to Mac. He shook his head and took a large swig of milk straight from the carton. This was odd, but at least Mac was willing to keep quiet about it.

----------

Not long until he could go home now. And he would be glad of it. Not just because he had been working pretty much non-stop, but also because his work colleagues all seemed to want him to be having a mental break down. Or in some cases, wanted to cause him to have one. Caroline. Now there was someone who didn’t fit in to either category. She didn’t want him to have, nor wanted to cause him to have a mental break down. But she was still pushing him dangerously near to one. Angela. She wanted him to have a breakdown. She seemed to think that was the only way he could possibly deal with Holly. Holly. She seemed to want him to break down too. Why couldn’t she keep to her choices? It was hard enough watching her make them, without having to face her going back on it all. Sue. Sue was pushing him to the very limit. He’d caught her watching him sleep earlier. It had scared him greatly. Not only that, but somehow she had managed to sit it out in his locker for most of the morning so she could surprise him at lunch time. She’d surprised him alright. Then on top of all that, she had: clung to his back and refused to let go, pounced on him from above (he still wasn’t sure how that had happened), tried to steal his clothes, tried to lick him, tried to get him to drag her around the hospital by his hair and last but by no means least she had tried to tie him to a chair so she could “have her way with him”.

But there was one more person driving Mac insane.
“All I’m saying is, you’ve got to be careful. You know? Because when it gets too much, it can be like drowning in a coffee cup” Guy said. Mac sipped his coffee, with one of those smirks he reserved for disbelieving all words that ever came out of Guy’s mouth.
“Really...how’d you figure that one out then”
“Well...you know...it’s...well you’re to ginger to understand”
“I’m not ginger, I am busy, goodbye” Mac sighed.
“No! Listen to me! I have a point”
“Could have fooled me”
“What”
“Nothing, nothing. What was this ‘point’ of yours”
“Well, you know. I’ve been there. You let it all pile up, it gets on top of you, you can’t get out and you start drowning in a coffee cup”
“Right...can I go now”
“No”
“It wasn’t really a question”
“Ah.”

Mac walked away. He shook his head. Only half an hour left before he could get out of here.

----------

“Right...can I go now”
“No”
“It wasn’t really a question”
“Ah.”

Sue watched Mac walking away, then sidled up to Guy.
“Has your latest conquest left you already”
“Yes...I mean no! Where did you come from!”

Sue tapped her nose. Guy folded his arms.
“Bitch”
“You need to get some better insults. Anyway, I’m here on official business only”
“Oh really? And what might that be? A quick one minute sha”
“Stop right there.”

Guy stood stock still, his moth still open.
“No. That is not why I’m here as a matter of fact. But I can’t help it when wankpots like yourself choose to express an interest in me. It’s my charisma, charm and ultimately the care and love I express towards the staff that lures you all in” Sue said, clasping her hands. Guy pretended to wretch. At that moment, Martin appeared in the doorway. His clothes were ripped and he looked desperate. More desperate than normal that is.
“Sue! I need your help! It’ just that”
“FACK OFF! I’M BUSY!” Sue yelled. Guy winced, holding his ears.
“Ow” he said blankly, as Martin ran away. A few seconds passed, and an angry mob ran past the door in the same direction as Martin.
“Should we be worried?” Guy asked. He and Sue looked at each other, then at the doorway, then back at each other.
“Nah” they chorused.
“So, what did you have to tell me”
“Oh”
“Oh”
“Yes...Modern Bride phoned. They want their dress back” Sue said. She looked at him out of the corner of her eye.
“Stop eyeing me up. I just...it was...I just rented it for a friend”
“Of course, of course”
“Never breath of word of this to anyone”
“I am a vessel of indiscretion Mr.Secretan” Sue nodded primly, walking away.
“Thank you...hey! Wait! Come back here you ugly BITCH!”

“Who's that girl?

Where's she from?

No, she can't be the one

That you want

That has stolen my world

It's not real, it's not right

It's my day, it's my night

By the way, who's that girl

Living my life

Oh no, livin' my life.

Seems like everything's the same around me

Then I look again and everything has changed

I'm not dreaming, so I don't know why I don't know why,

I don't know why She's everywhere I wanna be”

Hilary Duff – 'Who’s That Girl?'

Caroline glared over at where Emily stood. Martin hovered nervously next to her, worried by the harshness of Caroline’s stare. Mac looked up. He closed his eyes, he seemed to be nervous. Or perhaps not nervous, distressed. Emily looked at him sympathetically. She touched his arm gently. He smiled sadly at her, then noticed Caroline. Their eyes locked for a moment. Caroline wondered if he knew the manner she had been looking at Emily in. He could probably guess. Emily looked over too now. But Mac and Caroline didn’t take their eyes off each other. Then he sighed, his shoulders dropped, and he looked away. Emily touched his arm again before he turned and walked away.
“She’s stealing him from me” Caroline said quietly.
“How can you say that? You saw how Mac looked at you. And besides, we both know you haven’t had the courage to tell him you want to claim him yet. That makes him quite easy to steal” Martin said. It could have so easily sounded patronising or cruel. But not the way Martin said it. And anyway, he was only telling her the truth.
“I’m not brave enough to tell him how I feel about him, not properly. And when I get up the courage, it always goes wrong. And it always shatters my confidence ever further” Caroline said quietly, still looking at the spot where he had been standing.
“It’s hard, when you feel so strongly about someone you feel you can’t slip up once or you’ll blow it for good. Trust me, I know. But if you give Mac a chance, I’m sure he’d be patient with you. You just need enough courage to start out with” Martin replied.
“Maybe...but from what I’ve heard, he’s not the patient type”
“Why? What have you heard? Because it must be something I don’t know about Mac. I know he has both patience and kindness. He’s extended both to me once or twice, and I am very glad he has too”
“Well, Guy knew”
“Guy? What did you hear from Guy? And why did you believe it? You know all Guy wants is for Mac to lose out. Preferably lose out to him”
“Well...I hadn’t thought about it like that”
“What did he tell you then”
“He said that Mac was going out with someone for six years”
“Yes”
“And that she got pregnant”
“Yes”
“And then he dumped her”
“Well, yes and no. You didn’t get the full story. She got pregnant and Mac wanted to stand by her. He felt...deeply for Holly. And it broke his heart splitting up with her”
“But why did they split up if it wasn’t because she got pregnant”
“It was because she had an abortion.”

Caroline stood still, shocked she hadn’t know this. Shocked that she had trusted and believed what Guy had said without asking anyone else for all this time. Shocked that she had believed Mac could have been that cruel. Shocked that this Holly had done that to Mac. That was why he was so afraid of them being anything. He didn’t know whether it was safe to trust his heart any more.

----------

“I am shocked at you” she said as he walked past. He stopped, frowned, then slowly turned around to see Emily standing there. Her folder clasped to her chest, her face cold.
“I beg your pardon”
“Why do you treat her so badly? How can you treat her so badly? Especially considering how highly you think of her”
“Emily”
"I’m talking about Caroline. Who is she to you and why do fall at her feet every time you think you hear her call your name before turning away again seconds later"
"You are speaking in code" Mac sighed, looking away from Emily.
"And you speak in lies"
"You know I would never lie to you, to anyone"
"But you tell lies to yourself Mac."

Mac looked back at her, and she held his gaze.
"Don't tell me what I tell myself, because you have no idea. You think I lie to save myself from misery? You think my whispered words in shadowy corners are to tell myself I am doing her right? To hide the pain I inflict on her but cannot feel myself? You're wrong. I whisper that I love her, I whisper that I'm hurting her, I whisper that this is killing me, I whisper that I haven't got the words or the strength or the heart or the life left in me...I whisper that maybe tomorrow it will be ok to feel properly again. But it never is. And above all I whisper that I’m ok. But I never am"

Emily fell silent. She had read him so wrong. She had made assumptions and forgotten to trust. She had believed in a guilty party and a victim. But she saw now. She saw that Caroline and Mac were guilty of hurting each other with equal pains. And so, they were each other's victims. Neither was guilty of any of the spite she had told Mac he possessed. Clearly he did not ever take out bitterness on anyone and besides he was so broken down he didn't even have the spirit to throw poison anymore.

"I think I've disappeared" he said softly, turning to walk away.
"I think time will bring you back...or at least, Caroline will bring you back in time"
"Not even she can take away my past"
"No...no...but Mac, I promise you. You can feel it when you two are close. There's a tension, a romantic, subtle tension that makes your heart stop and the hairs on the back of your neck stand on end. And you feel like you are watching something...something magic, special. It brings out another side to us all Mac. Guy, Sue...me. We are different people when we open our eyes and look"
"I feel it too, but I feel like I am betraying something. Someone...Holly"
"How can you betray her? She betrayed you Mac"
"It's not for me to say what happens. It's for time to fix"
"Guy, Sue, Me, we are different people when we open our eyes and look at what you and Caroline have. And you and Caroline are different people when you open your eyes and look at each other. Different from the people you were in your past. Different to who you were with Holly. And different means change and change means moving on. Move on Mac, move on and change"
"I will when I can. But for now, let me stay how I am forever and a bit more"
"Forever and a bit more it may well seem, but I promise you Mac something true love is all but forever away"
“She will come out of all this hating me, and I’ll just be alone again”
“Mac, can’t you see. She’ll love you forever and a day, she’ll wait for you for longer than that. But even if a part of her heart is always waiting for you, people still move on. You’ll love her forever and a day. But just don’t be scared for that long too.

Mac looked up from the floor, briefly meeting Emily’s gaze. He closed his eyes, distressed. Emily looked at him sympathetically. She touched his arm gently. He smiled sadly at her, then noticed Caroline. Her face changed from stony to warm. She looked at him as if she hadn’t seen him six months. As if he had just come home. But whenever he saw Caroline, it felt like coming home. For his heart at least. Their eyes locked for a moment. Emily looked over too and she smiled to herself as she saw them locked in each other’s stare. Mac and Caroline didn’t take their eyes off each other. But then he sighed, his shoulders dropped, and he looked away

“I get tired and I get weak. I can't keep this up much longer"
"Keep what up"
"Pretending I'm ok” he whispered. . Emily touched his arm again, before he turned and walked away.

----------

Caroline winced inwardly as Angela sat down next to her. Couldn’t she see she was busy? Oh, dear god. Look at what is on her plate. Salad. A salad. Caroline looked down at her own plate, piled high with chips.
“I was going for the salad but they’d...run out when I went” she mumbled.
“Aw, poor you Caro. Having to each such rubbish instead. I’ll go and get you a salad” Angela offered. Bugger it.
“No, no, no. I’m fine with this ‘rubbish’ now thank you” she grumbled.
“Are you sure? Tell you what, here, we can swap” Angela said, reaching for Caroline’s plate. Caroline swatted her hand away.
“No, I told you. I’m fine. And anyway, we can’t have you being tainted with this ‘rubbish’. Unhealthy for perfect people”
“Are you sure Caro? It’s no trouble...at least have some of mine. I can’t bear to see you suffering” Angela said. Oh dear lord. She was so patronising.
“NO! I AM FINE! WHAT PART OF THAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?” Caroline snapped, finally breaking. Angela froze. There was a pause.
“Fine. Die of heart disease” Angela sighed primly, smoothing her shirt and taking a bite of salad. Caroline looked over her shoulder, and went pale. Oh no. Please say that she hadn’t just been spotted completely losing it? As if she hadn’t seemed neurotic enough, she just had to go and add to her unfortunate case. She smiled awkwardly at him, and quickly looked down at her plate. Then she remembered what she had discovered earlier.
“Angela...did you know...Holly?” she asked quietly. As if mentioning the name could cause a war to break out somewhere on a small island to the east of China. Angela looked up. For the first time ever, Caroline had caught her off guard and unprepared. A very small victory, and yet somehow satisfying.
“Well yes actually...but...well...I still do...but...I...why”
“Because I just found out today the truth about her. And I think I’ve just realised, I was too hard on him”
“Him”
“Oh you know him”
“No...who him”
“You know who him”
“Him who”
“HIM”
“Him?” asked a third voice, sounding amused.

“Fuck! I mean Mic! I mean Mac!” Caroline stammered. He smiled one of those patented ‘Mac’ smiles as he sat down.
“Angela and I were just talking about”
“Him by any chance?” he smirked.
“Yes, you know. Him. You know him don’t you, yes? No? Of course not, silly of me, w...w...what brings you...h...h...here?” she asked.
“Is him Statham? Because you are beginning to sound a lot like him” Mac smiled, playfully. Angela looked from Caroline to Mac.
“I know him who. And good luck with whatever you’re planning, because you’re going to need a pretty good plan to make that one work out” Angela said, in a disheartening tone. Then she took something out of her purse, slipping it in Caroline’s top pocket.
“There’s your predecessor by the way. And just so you know, they both want each other back.”

That was incredibly spiteful. Caroline thought. But she didn’t want to dwell on it. She was sitting alone with Mac. That was good enough for her right now.
----------

Mac sighed. He flashed a half hearted smile at someone he knew. He was shattered. Late nights, early mornings. Pretty much all that he was surviving off was coffee. That and seeing Caroline. Not so much because of the sparks he felt when he saw her, but more because she always able to make him smile. He wasn’t laughing at her, not really. Just about her. Partly with her. Although she needed someone to help her get the confidence she needed to be able to laugh at herself.

And then he saw her. Her and Angela sat together. Angela had a salad, Caroline had chips. He could tell by the way Caroline was eyeing Angela that she felt inadequate. Her felt sorry for her. Angela was so perfect it had become one huge imperfection. He smirked as Caroline obviously made some sort of excuse for her chips. It amused him further as Angela tried to give Caroline her salad. And then, Caroline lost it. She yelled something at Angela. Mac laughed, taking a slight step to the side so that he was in her view. She saw him as she looked just over Angela’s shoulder. Her face. Priceless. Then she smiled awkwardly, followed by her hissing something to Angela in a low voice. He walked over towards them.

“Him”
“Oh you know him”
“No...who him”
“You know who him”
“Him who”
“HIM”
“Him?” he asked, amused.

“Fuck! I mean Mic! I mean Mac!” Caroline stammered. He smiled, sitting down. Oh Caroline. Why do you always tie yourself in knots over me? I’m nothing special. Maybe that’s why, because I don’t pretend to be anything I’m not. or maybe you think there’s a connection here. Or maybe it’s both.
“Angela and I were just talking about”
“Him by any chance?” he smirked. Who was this him? It could be anyone. Secretly, a part of him hoped that he was this mysterious “him.” But another part of him told him to stop being so stupid.
“Yes, you know. Him. You know him don’t you, yes? No? Of course not, silly of me, w...w...what brings you...h...h...here?” she asked. More knots. Caroline, please. Breath. I don’t care what you say, just as long as you’re saying it to me. Is that what someone in love would say? Just ignore it. Ignore, ignore, ignore.
“Is him Statham? Because you are beginning to sound a lot like him” Mac smiled, playfully. Angela looked from Caroline to Mac.
“I know him who. And good luck with whatever you’re planning, because you’re going to need a pretty good plan to make that one work out” Angela said, in a disheartening tone. Then she took something out of her purse, slipping it in Caroline’s top pocket. Mac raised an eyebrow, but made no comment. Intriguing. No, don’t be intrigued. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Get it right Mac. Ignore, ignore, ig...but look at her. “There’s your predecessor by the way. And just so you know, they both want each other back” Angela said. Mac sighed. That was incredibly spiteful. Mac thought. But the odd thing is, he wasn’t sure what it was spiteful about. It had just hurt him to see the way it had evidently hurt Caroline.. But he didn’t want to dwell on it. He was sitting alone with Caroline. That was good enough for him right now. Don’t think like that Mac. But how can I not? Please don’t let me be falling in love with her. I just can’t go there again. But I’m already there. I’m not falling in love. I think I’ve already fallen. Forget how you think you feel Mac. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Or maybe, just for now, he should go with it. Forget what he thought he should do. Ignore, ignore, ignore it. And let himself stay here with Caroline for a while, indulging in some romance. But not too much. Never too much.

----------

Caroline had been on a cloud. Until Mac had left. Although, for a while she had stayed on that cloud. Then she had remembered what Angela had said. She had looked at the picture. Holly was beautiful. Caroline was no match for her. But what about in Mac’s eyes? Who was more beautiful to him? Oh stop it Caroline. Like he’d ever choose you over her. Stop thinking about him and you. Screw your feelings, he’ll never pick you. Forget it. Ignore, ignore, ignore. She tore the picture in two in frustration. Then she acknowledged her surroundings. How had she ended up in the main entrance? She must have been walking around the hospital for hours. So much for work. But then really, what did the patients matter when she was in love. Whoa! Back up there Caroline. Love? Ignore, ignore, ignore. Just stop it. You can’t love the man. You hardly know him. But you know enough. Stop it! Now. And then her heart stopped. She was frozen for a moment with a mixture of terror, panic and hatred coursing through her. Holly. Holly was here. She stood in the main entrance. Just inside the doors. Caroline ran over to her. No! You fool. Don’t go over to her. She doesn’t know you. But she hurt Mac. Oh for god’s sake Caroline, get a grip. Ignore her. Ignore, ignore, ignore. But it was too late.

“You’ve got some nerve” Caroline said fiercely. Holly spun round to face her, beaming. Oh lord. Caroline wanted wretch.
“I’m sorry?” she asked in sickly sweet voice. She sounded like Emililly. Formally known as Lady Emily Lewis-Westbrook. But you know? Screw that. She was Emililly and this was Holly the babykiller.
“You! You have some nerve coming back here after what you did. Who do you think you are? Do you realise what you did to Mac? You ruined his life and in turn that means you’ve ruined mine”
“I don’t believe we’ve met, but I suppose you’re what he had to resort to. I must have hurt him badly. Either that or his taste in women has really gone down the market...or you’re just some delusional women who thinks she stands a chance with him. It’s really not very becoming, or ladylike. In fact, it’s actually rather sad, desperate even. Very painful to watch”
“He doesn’t need you, although I daresay he thinks he does”
“Aw. Well. It is up to him”
“He could be so happy without you. Not necessarily with me. You’ll just tear him up, break him down, hurt him badly then either leave or let him tell you to leave”
“I don’t believe it’s any of your business”
“I have a backbone stronger than yours. I have a heart. And it belongs to Mac. You break him, you break me. So I guess I’m just fucked then. Because he’s broken alright. On the inside. And yet, he’s still going to choose you over me. Even though he knows he owns my heart, even though he likes to smile at me when we see each other. And you know why he’ll still choose you? Not because of spite or desperation. But because you broke him. Broken people always spend their lives search, trying to get the person that broke them back again. Even when they get broken again. It takes so much to lift them out of something like that. And I don’t think I have the strength to try. I’ll always be hoping. But I’ll always be disappointed”
“Lovely story, but really. I’m only here to see Mac”
“Funny, if you carry on like that, you may just do yourself the harm I need you to do for my dreams”
“What”
“Nothing...just...well, with the way you’ve been acting, you seem to me like the sort of person that Mac would see right through”
“Oh yeah?” Holly asked, raising her voice.
“Damn right! I have a back bone stronger than yours! I do! And he’ll see through you! I know he will! Because I have faith in him! And I care about him!” Caroline yelled.
“You know he’ll never choose you! You’ve said it yourself! And anyway, you’re nothing to him, especially against me. I own him, as good as. And you’ll never have him. And even if you do, he’ll be damaged goods by then, an emotional wreck. Even more than you claim he is now. Trust me. You have no hope” Holly retorted, with equal force and volume. Then, suddenly, an arm came in between them. Forcing them to take a step away from each other.
“Hey, hey. Calm down ladies. Now what’s all this abo...Holly” Mac said, saying her name as little more than a murmur.
“Hello Mac. I’m back!” Holly smiled.

Mac saw Caroline, heard her first. She was having a go at some women, and the women was full of equal aggression. Mac could have sworn he knew her voice. He went over to break them up, but he found more than he bargained for.
“Hey, hey. Calm down ladies. Now what’s all this abo...Holly” Mac said, saying her name as little more than a murmur.
“Hello Mac. I’m back!” Holly smiled. He stayed silent for some time. He barely registered Guy and Martin arriving. Eventually he caught himself. He took Holly by the arm. He gently, but firmly, led her away from Caroline.
“Holly, why are you back here?” he asked, quietly, not looking her in the eye. Unable to handle this.
“I came back for you. Look Mac, I was wrong. I see that now. I think, if you would just hear me out, if we could just talk, then maybe...maybe we could stand a chance. We could be together again. Don’t you want that?” she smiled. He sighed, looking at her.
“We’ll talk...I just have to...I have to tell Caroline” he said. Holly smiled.
“I’ll be waiting right here.”

He went over to her. What could he say?
“Caroline I”
“She’s offering you the world and I’m offering you a neurotic freak who used to make a point of telling you she hated you. I understand Mac. Go with her. She’s better than me. We both know that. Us, it just...it’s nothing compared to what she’s offering you She’s better than me. She is.”

She’s not a better person than you though Caroline. She’s not better for me than you. She’s no you. He thought. But don’t be silly Mac. Please god don’t be silly Mac.
“You mean, you saw us as...as us?” he asked softly.
“No more than you did...although I hope no less than you either. I hope we both saw us as us”
“I’m so sorry” he sighed. Placed a kiss on her cheek. She treasured the feeling. Smiled at him sadly. And he turned to walk away.
“Mac...” she called. He turned back.
“Who is that girl"
“Holly” he frowned, taken aback.
Martin and Guy looked at each other. They had to do something. They had to remind Mac what Holly had done to him.
“Holly the Babykiller” the said together. Mac closed his eyes. He had deserved that reminder. Glanced away, then glanced back once more. Caroline took a deep breath. This was killing her inside, he could feel it himself. Ignore it Mac. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

“I don't mean who is she like that, I mean who is she to you”
“Caroline I”
“It's ok. I get it. But I just want you to know, I will always love you. Even if you can't love me. And because I love you, I just want you to be happy. So if Holly makes you happy and you love her, then I won't hold you back. No matter what I feel for you, I will still be here for you as a friend and I will let you go. I may feel like she has stolen my world, but if she's stolen your heart then who am I to argue? You go. Go and be happy. And I will support you forever because I love you for just as long. And I do love you Mac. You have to know that Mac. I do love you...but I still have to let you go to her”

Mac walked away. Although a part of him was telling him that if she was prepared to do that for him, then maybe he was walking over to the wrong woman. He joined Holly. He had to at least talk to Holly. And the voice that kept telling him about the little things Caroline did, the little things she said that made her his ‘one’, well he just had to ignore it. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

----------

Caroline felt like she was watching herself watch him walk away. It wasn’t real. It had to be a dream. She tried to tell herself that if he was happy then she was. But she wasn’t. Watching him walk away broke her heart. He was her friend, her lover, her protector when the world was out to get her. He was her one. That one that if she let him get away then she might as well give up on love. Desperate and alone Caroline, you’re just destined to die desperate and alone.

She was vaguely aware of Sue coming to stand beside her. It was hard to read what must be going through her head. Sue was a terribly complex creature. Caroline wondered if Sue was finally going to go over the edge. Or was this going to send her sane? What would drive most people up the wall would just have to be what would bring Sue down to some semblance of normality. Sue turned to look at Caroline.

“He’s picked Holly” Caroline said, as if that would somehow hold back whatever torrent of words was about to burst fourth from Sue’s mouth. But Sue stayed silent.
“How are you...feeling?” Caroline asked nervously.
“I don’t feel emotion, Dr.Trodd, emotions are for the weak”
“But Mac...” Caroline began.
“Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Caroline flinched, holding her ears. She should have seen that coming. She wasn’t sure entirely why it had been delayed. Perhaps it had only just dawned on Sue what had happened. Or perhaps it was just the mention of his name. But whatever it was, it hurt. And she got the impression that the entire hospital had felt the shock of it. Sue was lying on the floor now, pounding her fists against it, whimpering quietly and trembling slightly. She’s crying on my shoes. Caroline thought. She’s snivelling all over my shoes. Oh god. But Caroline couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it. Because inwardly, Caroline was screaming louder, longer than Sue. She was snivelling, shaking, stamping, weeping, punching. She was losing it.

Guy was beginning to feel uncomfortable. And without Mac around, there was no one to take it out on. But also, that meant there was no one to stop him taking it out on Martin. He glanced around, but Martin wasn’t in sight. Where’d the little runt get to? He wondered. There was Caroline. No. He couldn’t take it out on her. It seemed Mac had almost won with Caroline, he couldn’t blow it now. Sue. Oh yes. The perfect person to feel his frustration. He kicked her. It wasn’t a proper kick. Just enough to make him feel a little better. Until he felt a searing pain in his ankle.
“Ow!” he exclaimed, looking down to see Sue White biting his ankle. He tried to shake her off, but she didn’t let go.
“Let go you bloody fucking...woman!” he yelled. Sue started to claw at his legs.
“She’s like a wild animal” Caroline commented, not seeming to be bothered about doing anything about it. She seemed to just be enjoying the show. Sue held on for at least ten minutes, before casually getting up and smoothing her clothes out. Caroline and Guy looked at her in shock.
“Well don’t gawp” Sue said, as if nothing had happened.
“But...” Caroline began.
“Now I don’t know about you, lovely Caroline, but I would say it’s about time for a drink” Sue sighed, and she strode off towards the pub.
“Bitch” Guy hissed, not intending her to hear. She turned slowly.
“Bear in mind Mr.Secretan, you have very, very tender ankles. Lovely and succulent to get your teeth in to” she said in a menacing tone, then she continued on her way.

----------

Excuses. All Holly had for him was excuses. He had wanted her to come back for so long now. But the reality was much less glorious than the dream. And all he could think about was Caroline. Looking at Holly didn’t make him smile. And she didn’t actually seem to care much about him. Not really. Caroline smiled at him and that made him smile back. And all these words Holly was saying to him, she didn’t mean any of them. What Caroline had said to him before he left, she had meant every word. But Holly’ words were empty. Hollow and meaningless, much like this time he was spending with her. He could have gone up to Caroline and kissed her in the time it had taken Holly to make another excuse. Their walk was coming to an end now. They were back at the hospital, walking through the doors. They came to a halt. And he turned to face Holly.
“So, there you have it. I’m back for you Mac, if you’ll have me” Holly said. Mac looked at her, then glanced over to where Caroline stood. She had obviously been waiting for him to return. But now she was talking to Angela and didn’t seem to realise he was watching her with a soft smile on his face.
“Do you know how long I’ve waited for you? How much time you’ve had? Well it’s too long. Too much time. Enough time for me to realise I didn’t love you. It was close to love. But now I know what love feels like. And I know that she would never break me like you did. I know that I can trust her. I know that want to trust her. And I love her Holly. It’s too late to tell me you want me back, because I’m over you. Thanks to her, I’m over you” Mac said softly. He wasn’t cruel, he wasn’t unfair. He looked Holly in the eye.
“Bye Holly” he sighed, starting to walk away.

“Mac...” she called after him. He turned back.
“Who is she? This woman who had stolen my life”
“The one” Mac smiled, and he walked away. He was so tempted to go straight over to Caroline. Take her in his arms, kiss her. Tell her he was sorry he hadn’t listened when she had tried to tell him how she felt before. He wanted to be with her more than anything. But he knew he should get some space to breath first. Clear his thoughts, straighten things out in his head. So he walked off towards the doctors’ mess. He needed a cup of coffee and a rest.

“When it feels like the beginning

And the story will unfold

There's a time to take your chances

Don't be scared of the unknown”

S Club – Love Ain’t Gonna Wait For You

It was all starting all over again. Everything was new, he was feeling everything for the first time again. He had to take his chances, he had to be brave. He shouldn’t be scared of the unknown. He should think about what he did know. He loved her. The story was waiting to unfold. And it was whatever he made it. He couldn’t be afraid. He just had to trust the things that would never change. Caroline was the one. He loved her. She loved him. He was awake again after so long. He was alive again. He knew what they said - love isn’t going to wait for you. But if what you think is love doesn’t wait, then it isn’t really love. He knew what was real now. Forever. That was how long he would love her. She him. He had to forget about his fears. Listen to his heart. But he could wait one more night. Before he could start to rewrite his life, he had to get a good night’s sleep. He closed his eyes for a minute. Not sleeping yet, just thinking about sleep. But then there was a knock on his door. He felt his heart tense. But why? It only did that when...

----------

She looked at the door nervously and then took a deep breath. She needed courage, but standing outside Mac's door made her feel anything but confident. She had to snap out of it and just knock on the door. She had to say what she wanted to say before it was too late. And besides, what if he came out and found her there? Then what would she say? It shouldn't be this hard to just knock...except it was. It was one of the hardest things she had ever had to do. Forget about your fears tonight Caroline. Listen to your heart. Just listen to your heart and you'l be ok. She had said that so many times now, she had almost begun to believe it. She slowly reached out, knocking softly. Nervously. Her breath caught as he appeared in the doorway. She fumbled for words as she looked deep in to his eyes and saw the kindness there. The love.

"Mac...Mac I er"
"Breath slowly if it helps" he said softly, his eyes not moving from hers. He smiled gently, warmly. She wondered what had happened between him and Holly. How could she do this to him? What if he and Holly had got back together? How could she then go on to tell him this? But she took his advice and took long slow breaths. It relaxed her and gave her a minute feeling of courage.
"I want...I need to say something. I need to say this before I can't say it or before it's too late and you won't want to listen or just...just before."

She glanced away from him, pausing. But he didn't say anything. He kept his breath and his gaze steady. He stood still. He didn't smile broadly, but there was a trace of warmth on his lips.
"I...I'm not exactly stable...I know that. I'm probably not a first choice, or a second, or even a third. I'm neurotic, I'm confused, I'm haphazard, I'm accident prone, I can be irrational, I'm always too late or too early, I look like I'm homeless, I look wrong, I do the wrong things, I say the wrong things...and I make the wrong decisions, consider the wrong people...I'm sorry about going on that date with...never mind. I'm always making a mess of my life. And I need someone Mac. I need someone who will look after me, protect me, make me smile when it's all going wrong and I need someone who can see past the chaotic mess my life is and love me besides. When I come undone, I need someone to bring me back again. Someone to take me in to their arms and look after me. Someone who loves me forever. But you see...I don't need someone, I need you."

He was silent. But he was still half smiling at her. Fondly. And he still looked her in the eye. Good signs, surely. She felt tears stinging the back of her eyes, but she tried to hold them back. She looked away. He doesn’t want me. She thought. I don’t want to fall to pieces over you Mac, but I am. Can’t you see? She closed her eyes, holding back the sobs.

“Hey, hey” Mac said gently. She felt his arms wrapping around her. He held her close to him and she buried her head in his chest.
“Now what’s this in aid of?” he asked softly, not intending her to answer. She stayed silent, her sobs subsiding as she felt the safety of his arms, the warmth. The fabric of his shirt brushing gently against her skin. She was safe here. This is where she belonged, in his arms. She didn’t know if she wanted him to say something or not. If he said something she didn’t want to here, this moment would be ruined and she would be broken. But if he didn’t say anything at all, she would never know if he loved her. After some time, he took a deep breath.

“I know what you’re not Caroline. But I know what you are as well. You are different. You make me smile, make me forget everything that’s happened and make me want to take my chances. When I saw you come undone, I was powerless to do anything but try to bring you back. I couldn’t stand to see you break. But I need someone too. Someone to love me forever, someone I can trust to wait for me. Someone I love. Someone like you” he said, ever so quietly. Soft, gentle, slow. And she listened to the words, as if they weren’t real. After all this.
“I love you Caroline” he said, looking down at her. She looked up, meeting his eyes. They were caught in each other’s eyes once more. She smiled, partly in relief, partly in disbelief. He smiled one of those Mac smiles. Half amused, half caring. And then they kissed. Nothing could spoil this moment for Caroline. It was the perfect moment. His words were perfect, his smile was perfect, his kiss was perfect. And for once in her life, Caroline felt confident. Not just in her choices, but in her life, in herself. In everything. Mac made things right at last. He was the one. And this was a new beginning. A new story to unfold. New risks, new chances, new dreams. Same love though. “Thank you for not letting me fall to pieces over you anymore” she whispered to him. She knew he understood. Because even though they had never told each other before, how they really felt, they always knew. Secretly, they always knew.

“The greatest love story,
That was ever told, could be me and you,
You just never know”
‘The Greatest’ – S Club

Caroline woke up, her head resting on his chest. Was he still asleep? His chest rose and fell softly, steadily. This was her idea of heaven. But it could never last. Not in a million years. Caroline always felt like things like this would be snatched away from her, there was always a voice in her head telling her to enjoy it whilst it lasted because it wasn’t going to last for long. This is never going to me my future. I’m never going to wake up to this ever morning. I’m never going to be able to keep this happiness. This will never last.
“Never say never Caroline” he said softly. He was awake. She looked up at him, meeting his eyes. Maybe he was right. Maybe this could last. He smiled at her faintly and she rested her head back on his chest.
“Never say never” she repeated in a whisper. Never have I been happier though. Never.

The End