Green Wing
Quotes
Episode 1
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CAROLINE : You'll be fine, I'm a doctor.
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KIM : I got sperm in my eye.
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JOANNA : Sorry to hear about your shower breaking, maybe you'd like me
to test it for you.
BOYCE : I didn't know you could plumb.
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MAC : (about Caroline) : No,
no. She'll be the perfect height.
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ANGELA : If you see the new bitch, snap off her fingers, burn her hair,
and pluck out her nippes.
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ALAN : Alright. Somebody has used a marker pen to make some alterations.
The badge should read Alan Statham, next line Consultant Radiologist, and on
the word consultant, they've blacked out the letters 'o','n','s' and
'l','t','a'.
SUE : I see. So that would, in fact leave, a 'c', a 'u', an 'n' and
an-oh I see.
ALAN : Yes.
SUE : So, your badge now reads, Alan Statham, Cun-.
ALAN : Yes, yes, thank you. That's what it's been changed to.
SUE : What, again?
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BOYCE : That's because it wasn't funny.
ALAN : Yes, it was.
BOYCE : Not really.
ALAN : I'll be the judge of that.
BOYCE : You can't be the judge.
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BOYCE : You can't make me laugh by poking me.
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ALAN: (to Caroline) : Come on,
hang on now. The doctors aren't mad, that certainly wouldn't be allowed, not at
my level.
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MAC : Right, so you probably think it'd be better if everyone was like
you?
GUY : Well, yeah.
MAC : Er, no. Because then there'd be a great surge in lesbianism.
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MAC : Ooh, er, any news on that other thing?
ALAN : What other thing?
MAC : Whether or not moustaches are back in fashion yet. No? No news?
You'll keep me posted? Good.
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ALAN : Do you want me to report you for that earring?
MAC : Only if I can report you for that moustache.
ALAN : Most women find male body piercing repugnant, I thankfully, am
completely intact.
MAC : Well, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes.
ALAN : Exactly. (realises that
he has been insulted, as Mac walks away)
ANGELA : Banter?
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MARTIN : The patients don't like me.
SUE : Really? Anything else?
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MARTIN : Will you go out with me?
SUE : No, get out.
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JOANNA : Oh, I love the smell of formaldehyde.
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JOANNA : And I suppose a flood, or a patient on fire or an outbreak of
AIDS isn't dangerous?
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KAREN : (with hair stuck in printer):Can
you send someone to fix the printer, it's jammed. (pauses) It is quite urgent.
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CAROLINE : Can you do a sort of three quarters profile? My hair's not
really enjoying a full-frontal approach.
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GUY : I'm eating the coffee.
MAC : You are, you are. You are eating the coffee. You are eating
the coffee. You ate the expensive coffee.
GUY : I know.
MAC : Yeah, well done. Do you know what that means? Do you know what the
whole of that means? It means that you won.
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GUY : Right. Tea. (attempts to
eat the tea, then spits it out) Tea is horrible.
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MARTIN : You know, I've never even touched anyone that attractive.
GUY : Well, you could touch my arm.
MARTIN : It's not the same, is it?
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GUY : Two things women want : money and protection.
MARTIN : Ah, well, I've got a helmet and a credit card.
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GUY : Yeah, I'll see you in Zurich.
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MARTIN : Yeah, hello Mum, I'm in Zurich.
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OLIVER : I wondered if you'd like to come out for a drink with me
sometime?
NAUGHTY RACHEL : Um, ok. Oh, and just so you know, I always fuck on the
first date.
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GUY : Martin's having a wank in the cupboard.
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SUE : (patting Caroline's rear) :
Chocolate. Um, chocolatey fingers.
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CAROLINE : Mind you, I did have a rather disturbing lesbian dream.
GUY : BINGO!
MAC : Would you like to talk about that? At all?
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GUY : Your shoes are ringing.
MAC : Might be a lesbian.
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KIM : How can you eat duck? That's so mean.
NAUGHTY RACHEL : Why? I spent half my childhood feeding them.
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GUY : (to cafeteria lady) :
PIKEY! The earrings are a dead giveaway. I was going to say see you around, but
I don't hang out in gutters.
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MARTIN : Captain that, you flidoid.
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MARTIN : Pilots are better than doctors, aren't they?
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GUY : Guy Secretan - it's Swiss.
CAROLINE : Ah, cuckoo clocks, no beaches, theft of Jewish gold after the
fall of Nazi Germany. Sorry, I expect everyone says that.
GUY : No.
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HARRIET : I haven't had sex since Oscar was born, and then last night,
Ian touched my boob during Frost, and then his mother phoned in the middle of
it and interrupted. (starts crying)
KAREN : Oh, well, I'm sorry.
HARRIET : Oh no, don't be. I had a twinge 'down there' (gestures) it was wonderful.
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GUY : Fucking Mac. I know he gets to the fucking canteen before me, and
he takes all the fucking jelly and hides it, because he knows I fucking like
it.
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MARTIN : Hey, would you and your one point two kilograms go out for a
drink with me?
NAUGHTY RACHEL : No.
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ALAN : I have to remind everyone that I have seniority.
SUE : Aah, why do you act like a five year old then?
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SUE : Did you just touch my squirrel?
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MAC : Martin, is this your signature?
MARTIN : Yes.
MAC : Ah. Can't really do smiley faces on death certificates. Could look
a little insensitive.
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GUY : You, are a 'gingre'.
MAC : I am a 'fraise-blonde'.
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ALAN : You've got a super vagina.
JOANNA : Yeah, thanks.
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ALAN : And you've got shit tits.
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GUY : Spotty chin skin, or Ramadan?
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CAROLINE : You said you had a spare room and you don't. That was a lie.
GUY : No, I've got a spore room.
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CAROLINE : (to Guy) : I think I'm
going to have to kill you.
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ALAN : (to morgue worker) : You
may think that I'm comparing my penis to that of a corpse. (looks guilty, then walks away)
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MAC : Come on guys, you know we don't play British Bulldog in theatre.