Green Wing Quotes

Episode 1

By StoneAgeQueen


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GUY : I may be many things, but not being indiscreet isn't one of them.

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ALAN : (to parking attendant) : She's my secret lover.

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CAROLINE : (to Boyce, Rachel, Kim and others) : Yes. I stayed at Doctor Secretan's flat on my first night, but no, we did not have sex. Alright?

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MARTIN : (to Joanna and Alan) : Have you two come together?
JOANNA : Are you mad? (pushes Martin, quite hard)

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MARTIN : So, did you catch your prey?
GUY : Can't say, she told me not to divulge any details.
MARTIN : Ah, so you did catch her.
GUY : I've been sworn to secrecy.
MARTIN : By whom?
GUY : Caroline Todd. OH DAMN!
MARTIN : No. (disbelievingly)
GUY : You bastard. Oh, you're just too smart for me. Now you'll tell everyone.
MARTIN : Promise I won't.
GUY : Why not?
MARTIN : Because Caroline wouldn't want me to.
GUY : So?
MARTIN : So? You've got to respect her feelings.
GUY : Why?
MARTIN : Becau- you have t- Caroline- we - because you have.
GUY : oh, I see. You think she's lovely, don't you?
MARTIN : No, I don't.
GUY : She's only been here a day and already she's the woman of your dreams. Well, dream on, mate. She's hooked, hooked, laid and safely in the landing net. She's only human after all.

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MARTIN : Did you sleep well?
CAROLINE : Like a log.
GUY : Oh yes, the loo's completely clear now by the way.
CAROLINE : What loo?
MARTIN : Yeah, what loo?
GUY : The disbaled toilet next to the - was that you or was that somebody else?
CAROLINE : Wasn't me. (flounces away)

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MARTIN : No, it's a note and it's actually quite hard.
GUY : Suicide note?

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GUY : What about 'the useless bunch of shitheads who stole my yogurt'?

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GUY : Jesus, just put 'Dear Cleaners', and hope they don't take it as some sort of sexual advance.

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GUY : They won't piss in your yogurt, Martin. Much easier to hide little bits of shit and glue the top back on.
MARTIN : Thanks Guy.

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BOYCE : He must be in touch with his feminine side, considering his middle name is Valerie.

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MARTIN : Girls names gags a-go-go.

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ALAN : In-tray!
MAC : Yes, very funny.

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ALAN : Now will you be sit!

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ALAN : And I'll discuss this with you when you're less-
MAC : Handsome?
ALAN : No, less-
MAC : Charming?
ALAN : Less sitting. Get out.

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KAREN : The thing is, he said I had a furry face. That can't be a good thing, can it?
KIM : No, I guess not.
KAREN : Damn my furry face.

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KAREN : Touch it.
KIM : No.
KAREN : I need another perspective.
KIM : (strokes Karen's face gingerly) : I'd've said downy - never furry.
KAREN : (looks pleased) : Thanks.

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MARTIN : Is the Lost Property box here?
SUE : Looking for your little tinkle?
MARTIN : What's a tinkle?
SUE : All in good time, little man, all in good time.

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MARTIN : Could you have maybe eaten it by mistake?
SUE : (evillest look ever)
MARTIN : Oh, well. I'll let myself out.

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MAC : Can't have my staff working with aching tongues.

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GUY : (to Mac) : You're my surgeon bitch.

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GUY : Cut 'em open, bitch.
MAC : Gas her, fucker.
GUY : Sew her up, gimp.

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MAC : You're part of my team.
GUY : You're part of my anus.

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GUY : (to Mac) : I'm the captain, you're the trolley dollie.

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GUY : (to Mac) : You're the baby, I'm the placenta.

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MAC : (to Guy) : I'll fly the plane, you clean the toilet.

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MAC : (to his surgical team) : What can I tell you? A few ground rules. No bombing, no running, no petting, no diving and no inflatables. In fact, probably best to leave all swimming related activities until later ; this is after all, an operating theatre.

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MAC : Do you know what, Guy? We have moved on.

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GUY : I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
MAC : That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.

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CAROLINE : (to Angela) : Did you ever feel like you were walking around with a big neon sign that said 'Clueless Twat'?

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CAROLINE : (to Angela) : And I think that's quite good for me, because I haven't had any in quite some time now, I could easily have been persuaded into some rough and dirty sex up against a wall, or any hard surface, between you and me.

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MAC : I think we can save this young lady's life, despite Johnny Weismuller.
GUY : (points at Mac) : He can't swim.

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ALAN : Does my coat sweep when I go round corners?
JOANNA : Pardon?

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MAC : (whispers) : Dis-app-oint-ed.
CAROLINE : What? WHAT?
MAC : How are you today? Any aches and pains? Any groin strain?
CAROLINE : Stop right there. Come back here.
MAC : Stop right there, come back here. Which? I'm confused.

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MAC : Can I go and cut people up now?
CAROLINE : Yes.
MAC : Excellent.

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SUE : Do I sense a woe? I sense I do.

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NAUGHTY RACHEL : (examining her cigarette packet) : What does yours say?
BOYCE : 'Smoking lowers sperm count'.
NAUGHTY RACHEL : 'May cause miscarriage'.
(They both put out their lit cigarettes, swap packets, and light a new one)

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CAROLINE : You get all the gossip and pass it on. I could report you for meddling.
SUE : Meddling? Meddling? How dare you? Take that back.

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SUE : (to Caroline) : If I have to stand up, things are going to kick off around here.
(Caroline stands up first)
SUE : I could put a spell on you.
CAROLINE : What?
SUE : Nothing.
CAROLINE : Did you just say you were going to put a spell on me?
SUE : No I didn't. Are you mad?

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ANGELA : Women are like that, Guy. We bond easily.
GUY : Well, that's working for me, that image - keep that going.

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ANGELA : Out of interest - what does 'long term' mean to you?
GUY : It's an airport car park.
ANGELA : Monogamy?
GUY : Nice dark sort of wood, sideboards.
ANGELA : What is the 'C' word?
GUY : Unt. Well - did I pass?
ANGELA : Spectacularly.

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NAUGHTY RACHEL : Hufflepuff.
HARRIET : Bad luck, I'm in Gryffindor. I'm rather chuffed about that.
KIM : That makes two of us in Gryffindor.
KAREN : I'm in Wimbletink.
KIM : What?
KAREN : Spunktybum. Nihfhinihfinih.
KIM : They're not houses at Hogwarts.

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KAREN : Slytherin - I think that's what it was called. Is that bad? I haven't read the books.
KIM : It's really bad.
NAUGHTY RACHEL : It's where the most evil witches and wizards come from. It's the worst house there is.
KAREN : Can I change it?
KIM : No, you cannot. The decision of the Sorting Hat is final - you cannot go again.
KAREN : I don't want to be in Slytherin.
HARRIET : Well, it's too late for that.
(Karen runs off crying, Harriet gets up to follow her)
KIM : Careful! Could be a Slytherin trick.
NAUGHTY RACHEL : She's right, you never can tell.
HARRIET : I hadn't thought of that.

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CAROLINE : Everyone in this hospital knows where I was last night.
GUY : CAROLINE! You weren't supposed to say anything.
CAROLINE : It wasn't me!
GUY : Are you sure? You know how one little boast leads to another.
CAROLINE : You are very irritating. Yes, you.
GUY : And you know what you should do with an irritation? You should rub cream on it.
CAROLINE : I think I'd prefer to scratch it very hard.
GUY : Won't get any better.

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GUY : Oh God, you've been talking to Sue White, haven't you?

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GUY : Any story she may be spreading - well, she, she - hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
CAROLINE : Did you scorn her?
GUY : Well, I, er, yes, I called it a day - one day - one night. (shudders dramatically) Ugh. And any of that bollocks, you know, you know about what she did to me, and how I really enjoyed it,all that anal penetration shit, you can take that with a huge pinch of salt.
CAROLINE : You didn't.
GUY : Didn't I?

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CAROLINE : What a lot of things I know. I'm like a walking encyclopedia.

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GUY : This is really childish.
CAROLINE : I'm much younger than I look.

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SUE : (to Mac) : I got lost in your eyes.

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(Mac leaves, Sue has a tiny bit of his hair in her hand.)
SUE : The Lion's mane. Truly is the King of beasts.

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MARTIN : (about Caroline) : She's powerful, in her own way.

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GUY : I thought she was having a nightmare.
MAC : She is with you as her bloody anaesthetist.

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CAROLINE : You were called Titbrain?
MARTIN : Mmm, yeah, but in an affectionate kind of way.

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MAC : Not my type. I prefer the ones without a great big gash across the abdomen.
GUY : And that is why, my friend, you are no good at relationships.

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MAC : What's your personal best? I think it was - six hours.
GUY : That's a little bit unfair, sometimes they get tea in the morning.

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ALAN : Alright, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, and Boyce.

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BOYCE : So, does Joanna take it up the bottom?
ALAN : What?
BOYCE : The barium.

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BOYCE : Right, so she takes it orally as well.

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GUY : (to Martin) : You do realise that a man has died because of your email?

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BOYCE : I read an interesting item on the noticeboard this lunchtime.
GUY : What, 'Cello for Sale'?

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SUE : You come in here every week, with your sordid little tales, but I know, whatever whoever you're doing, it's my face you see before you. Yeah, yeah, because I was the one who broke you first, wasn't I? And you just can't get me out of your head.

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CAROLINE : Can I have a quick word?
MAC : Zoom and whoosh. Quick words, words that are quick.
CAROLINE : Oh, I get it.
MAC : Got it?
CAROLINE : Yeah very, very good.
MAC : Yes, go on, promise not to confuse you this time.
CAROLINE : Ok, I just want to say that despite, um, signed confessions and so on, some people still have slightly the wrong idea, so, just to clarify : I did stay at Guy's, but nothing happened. I was going to book into a hotel-
MAC : Can I stop you there? (walks off)
CAROLINE : (follows him) : So, if anybody mentions it, I'd be grateful if you, if you'd, er, put them straight.
MAC : Nothing to do with me.
CAROLINE : No, but if anybody does mention it-
MAC : Er, why do you think I'm interested?
CAROLINE : I never said you'd be interested.
MAC : Then why bore me with all the details?
CAROLINE : Don't be so bloody rude.
MAC : Look. I have a job to do. I'm not interested in your personal life; if that offends you; if it bothers you, then I apologise. Staff at your previous hospital might have found you totally fascinating. I don't.
CAROLINE : If anything, that's an increase in rudeness.
MAC :Ooh, ooh, well I hope no one starts gossiping about me, because I hate being the centre of attention.
CAROLINE : That's not fair.
MAC :I don't care. I'm sick of hearing about you and Guy, and your night of passion, or non-passion.
CAROLINE : So people have been talking?
MAC : Yeah, talking, and not concentrating on their jobs. Do your job, Doctor Todd, keep your personal life personal, and allow my staff to concentrate on their work. I think there's enough soap operas set in hospitals, don't you?

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HARRIET : Shit. SHIT. Shit shit shit. Oh God.
KAREN : Calm down.
HARRIET : Oh, I can't look, I'm either supposed to be picking someone up , or dropping someone off. OK - deep breath - no need to panic.

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HARRIET : Oh shit, I can't believe I've lost Robbie.

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CAROLINE : You're friends with Mac and Guy - who's the biggest scumbag?
BOYCE : Guy. Guy. Guy. Guuuuuy.
CAROLINE : Guy, why Guy?
BOYCE : Because he once ethically objected to resuscitating a woman with an A Cup.

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BOYCE :(about Guy) : Of course, he is good, very good.

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CAROLINE : Is English your first language?
MARTIN : Yes, yes it is. Why?
CAROLINE : It's just that - you have quite an exotic turn of phrase.
MARTIN : Well, thanks.

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MARTIN : Right, I'm off to bag me a woman.

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MAC : So, that wasn't really your urine?
GUY : No, of course not.
MAC : Phew. Thank goodness.
GUY : Got it from the path lab. (starts eating another one of Martin's yogurts.) Corpse juice.
MAC : Hmm.