EPISODES

SERIES 1

1. Caroline's First Day
gs: Oliver Milburn (Liam) Keir Charles (Oliver) John Oliver (Car Salesman) Jane Wittenshaw (Food Server) Fay Rusling (Nurse) Luke Papworth (Child Patient)

After being locked out of her new house all night, Dr. Caroline Todd is forced to turn up to her new job at the local hospital tired and smelling like a mini-cab after using car freshener as a replacement for deodorant. She soon meets the strange staff, but anaesthetist Dr. Guy Secretan is very welcoming and offers her his spare room for the night while he works a night shift. However after a blocked toilet incident, she soon realises Guy's true motives after he turns up home early and she discovers there isn't actually a spare room.

Meanwhile Dr. Alan Statham is having troubles of his own after someone defaced his badge by blacking out the letters O,N,S,L,T and A from his Consultant name badge, and his secret lover, Head of Human Resources Joanne Clore, tells him he isn't particularly well endowed – prompting him to check a corpse for comparisons sake.

Someone else having women problems is junior doctor, Martin Dear, who unsuccessfully tries to get dating advice from Guy. However rating himself against his schoolmates profiles on a reunion website soon cheers him up when he learns that the girl who once rejected him has ended up working at Asda – "poetic justice".

b: 03-Sep-2004 d: Victoria Pile , Tristram Shaperro and Dominic Brigstocke

NOTE: Some of Guy and Mac's bets for this episode are; to head butt a ceiling sign, to eat coffee, to name 5 famous lesbians and to reduce a top up time on a patient from 5 mins to 3 mins.
This debut episode attracted 2.2m viewers when it was first shown on C4.

2. Rumours

While Joanna is extra careful to make sure that her and Dr. Statham aren't seen arriving together, Dr. Todd isn't quite so lucky when she is spotted turning up with Guy Secretan after having spent that night at his place. Despite Caroline assuring everyone nothing happened between them, Guy is happier to play up to the rumours spreading around the hospital until Caroline forces him to admit the truth by digging up some dirt to blackmail him with.

Meanwhile Dr. Martin Dear is on the hunt for his missing soya yoghurt after it has been moved by the cleaners, Dr. Mac discovers that his old girlfriend is getting married, Dr. Statham spends the day enjoying how his white coat swirls around him, Sue tries to get her hands on Dr. Mac's hair and Harriet loses one of her many children.

b: 10-Sep-2004 d: Dominic Brigstocke and Tristram Shaperro

NOTE: We discover Guy's middle name is Valerie and that he and Sue had a brief ‘anal' encounter one night.
Martin's nickname at school was Titbrain.
It's is revealed that Dr. Mac's ex (who he dated for 6 years) aborted their child for the sakes of her career.
This episode pulled in 1.9m viewers.

3. Lodgers
gs: Paterson Joseph (Lyndon Jones) Oliver Milburn (Liam) Daisy Haggard (Emmy) Roger Frost (Dead Wife Man) Robin Savage (Student) Keir Charles (Oliver) Di Botcher (Catering Manager) Fay Rusling (Nurse) Gemma Catlin (Shop Assistant) Gary Howe (Lodger) Oriane Messina (Lodger)

Worried about her age Joanna is also concerned about the dreariness of her relationship with Dr. Statham, who in turn tries to spice up their relationship through spontaneity (with the help of playing his recorder to get himself sexually aroused). However he soon becomes concerned that I.T. wiz and women-pleaser Lyndon Jones is trying to steal Joanna away from him.

Meanwhile Dr. Mac discovers that despite protesting she never wanted children, his ex-girlfriend Holly is expecting with her new partner. A delighted Dr. Secretan soon uses this as ammunition in his game of one-upmanship with Mac, but ends up being traumatized himself when memories of his boarding school days come back to haunt him.

And Dr. Todd juggles her nicotine urges with searching for a new roommate, but is less than thrilled with the candidate being Dr. Hunter.

b: 17-Sep-2004 d: Tristram Shaperro and Dominic Brigstocke

NOTE: Not unlike the show Teachers (where animals wander freely around the school) this episode features a roaming camel that Sue brought in for ‘stroke an animal day'.
This episode attracted 1.7m viewers.

4. Joanna's Birthday
gs: Paterson Joseph (Lyndon Jones) Daisy Haggard (Emmy) Oliver Milburn (Liam) Keir Charles (Oliver) Oriane Messina (Nurse)

Joanna is turning 42, but her day brightens up when she mistakenly thinks she has received a locket as a birthday gift from Lyndon, when it is in fact from the ever doting Dr. Alan Statham (filled with his own "love juice").

Meanwhile Guy is compiling a fanciability league table of all the female staff, the results of which don't go over too well with Dr. Caroline Todd who retaliates with her own ungenerous male staff summary (but Guy is still happy to be the aggregate total winner).

Elsewhere Boyce and Martin use the CT scanner to weed out the money prizes in packets of crisps, the former of whom also spends as much time as he can taunting Dr. Statham about his gay tendencies.

And Caroline tries to adapt to living with Angela's active sex life and harp playing.

b: 24-Sep-2004 d: Dominic Brigstocke and Tristram Shaperro

NOTE: In this episode we learn that Martin is actually Joanna's son – something she is intent on no-one discovering.
Guy's league consists of the following categories; Arse (Angela scored an 8, Caroline a 4), Easiness (Caroline was rated at 9), Kinkiness, Cleanliness, Personality and Mental Attitude.
This episode finds Sue being approached by Caroline (regarding the attitude of the male staff), Martin (asking for a course on how to get a girlfriend) and Alan (on Lyndon's ‘looming' nature - but it's not because he's black, you understand).
Caroline's comparisons of the male staff are as follows: Boyce is like a porcelain ladyboy, Martin looks like a vole, Guy resembles Donkey from Shrek and she calls Mac a ginger freak.
This episode earned 1.7m viewers on its Friday showing.

5. Housewarming Party
gs: Paterson Joseph (Lyndon Jones) Oliver Milburn (Liam) Keir Charles (Oliver) Ricci Mcleod (6th Former) Rosie Mahony (6th Former) Kirsty Bruce (6th Former)

Hormones are abound in the hospital with Mac the centre of both Caroline and Sue's affections, Boyce and Kim having fun together and Karen writing a love poem about Martin who in turn is desperate to impress Caroline. And of course there is Joanna (sporting a new bleached hairdo) who is still after Lyndon much to Statham's annoyance, and so after listening to Boyce's advice on women, decides to act mysterious by playing 'kidnapper' and having his way with Joanna in the woods.

Meanwhile Caroline and Angela decide to throw a party and the hospital staff are invited – including an apprehensive Martin who can't decide on what to wear. After turning down Sue's selection of clothes from the ‘dead people box', the Staff Liaison Officer takes him shopping for the perfect outfit with interesting results.

At the party the free flowing alcohol is soon evident, most obvious in the form of Caroline who makes out with the majority of the party, including a ‘sicky' kiss with Mac after he helps her when she throws up in the toilet.

b: 01-Oct-2004 d: Dominic Brigstocke and Tristram Shaperro

NOTE: This episode pulled 1.8m viewers on its original broadcast.

6. Tests
gs: Stephen Merchant (Lab Technician) Michael Simkins (Judge) Robin Savage (Student)

Hungover and worse for wear, Caroline is feeling the effects of the party the night before, which she still can't completely remember. When her kissing exploits come back to her, she is forced to trawl the hospital to apologise to everyone she kissed and insist it meant nothing – even to Mac, who of course it meant everything with.

Meanwhile both Harriet and Joanna think that they are pregnant and are soon taking trips to the path lab. While Statham is ecstatic at the prospect of becoming a father, Joanna is far from thrilled with the positive result – until it turns out the results were mixed up with Harriet – leaving Harriet the depressed one and ending with Joanna breaking up with Statham.

Elsewhere in the hospital Mac secretly has an interview for a better job, while Martin continues his quest to further his own career by taking his doctor's exam yet again.

b: 08-Oct-2004 d: Tristram Shaperro and Dominic Brigstocke

NOTE: 1.4m viewers tuned into this episode on its Friday broadcast.

7. Tangled Webs
gs: Paterson Joseph (Lyndon Jones) Saskia Wickham (Chaplain) Kevin Eldon (Scissors Bentley) Robin Savage (Student) Ramon Woolfe (Deaf Signer) Manjinder Virk (Theatre Nurse) Nathaniel Gleed (Josh) Jay Byrd (Cleaner)

Statham still isn't completely over Joanna and spends all his day trying to win her back by pretending to hang himself, singing ‘All By Myself' to her via a megaphone and by challenging Lyndon to a tug-of-war in the cafeteria for the hand of Joanna. However when he meets the hospital's chaplain Cordelia he soon finds another object for his affection.

Meanwhile Caroline is feeling broody but is having conflicting thoughts about who should be the prospective daddy. Still infatuated with Mac, she also finds herself drawn to Guy and his ‘layers' - most of which he invents in order to manipulate her into a date out in the countryside.

Martin gets his exam results (which are held hostage by Sue for most of the day) but discovers he has failed yet again – however not until Guy evilly convinces him he has passed.

And a cardboard cut-out of Jesus keeps popping up around the hospital.

b: 15-Oct-2004 d: Dominic Brigstocke and Tristram Shaperro

8. Slave Auction
gs: Paterson Joseph (Lyndon Jones) Daisy Haggard (Emmy) Robert Harley (Chief Executive) Rosie Cavaliero (Teacher) Matthew Ashforde (Terry) Benoit Lambert (Waiter) Rachel Freck (Mum) Billy Snedon (Homeless Person)

The hospital is hosting a charity Grand Slave Auction with Statham, Caroline, Guy and Lyndon all up for bid and while there is high competition for some, others aren't so lucky.

Meanwhile Caroline falls on Sue's bad (and murderous) side when she admits to having feelings for Mac, but Mac surprises them all by revealing his new girlfriend Lady Emily and by the announcement that he his leaving the hospital after being offered a consultancy position in Sheffield.

Martin decides that the way to win Caroline's heart is by being a bastard, Joanna finally finds out where she stands with Lyndon and Harriet is called into the school to talk about her troublesome son.

b: 22-Oct-2004 d: Tristram Shaperro and Dominic Brigstocke

NOTE: At the Slave Auction Joanna buys Lyndon for £500, Martin gets Caroline for £3000, Guy goes to Sue for £30 and Statham is bought by Boyce for 30p.
1.5m viewers tuned in for this episode on its first broadcast.

9. Emergency
gs: Daisy Haggard (Emmy) Saskia Wickham (Chaplain) Vicki Pepperdine (Neighbour) Michael Gould (Neighbour) Glynis Brooks (Ward Sister) Ash Verraz (Professor Mancoo) Diveen Henry (Nurse)

It's Mac's last day and Sue and Caroline are struggling to cope with the thought of losing him. While Sue offers to kill in order to keep Mac in the hospital, Caroline spends most of the day trying to find fault with Sheffield in order to deter him from leaving.

Meanwhile Martin finds himself in a tricky situation when he reads a personal letter of Guy's and discovers that not only is Guy adopted, but that his real mother was called Joanna Peerson – the surname of whom also happened to be the maiden name of Joanna Clore. Unaware that his mother and work colleague are one of the same, Guy has no qualms in taking up one of Mac's bets to prove his prowess with the ladies by bedding an older woman of Mac's choice – Joanna.

When Martin later discovers his half-brother's intentions he rushes over to stop it – which ends in a botox stabbing, staff on the run from the police in an ambulance and a major cliff-hanger – literally.

b: 29-Oct-2004 d: Dominic Brigstocke and Tristram Shaperro

NOTE: The staffs' relationships take a major turn in the last episode of the series - Martin asks out Karen, Caroline and Mac finally get it together and Joanna manages to lure Statham away from Jesus.

Episode Information obtained from Green Wing @ TVTome and C4 Comedy Zone Forum