EPISODE TRANSCRIPT
**********************************************************************
In credits -
Caroline - What are you doing, oh, oh my god. Have I just seen you come?
*
Caroline - You think I've got really nice eyes?
Martin - Well, the whole head is good, but it's your eyes, they're top eyes.
*
Caroline (to Guy) - Seems I score quite highly on all-round easiness though I lose a few marks on cleanliness and mental attitude
*
Angela to Caroline - God, I can't believe your arse only got a 4 and mine got an 8.
*
Joanna to Alan - Are you telling me that you gave me a spunk-filled locket for my birthday?
*
Angela to Caroline (about her harp) - It's a part of me, I sometimes forget it's quite big.
*
Martin - I'm trying to say I'm getting really stressed out about my exams.
Sue - Ok, I got you. If you stopped being stressed, things really would be a lot easier for you.
Martin - Yes.
*
Martin to Joanna "Happy Birthday, Mum"
************************************************************************
Episode proper
Caroline is doing her hair in the mirror with Angela.
Liam (to Angela) - I've got bowel cancer.
Angela - What?
Liam - I told you, I've got bowel cancer.
Angela - Ok, we'll go and have a look.
They go away, Angela comes back.
Angela to Caroline - Sun-dried tomatoes.
*
In hospital carpark.
Martin is sitting on Mac's bike talking to two nurses.
Martin - Yeah, so thank god I've got this filthy bitch between my thighs. She is a beast, but you've got to become one with that beast, you've got to control the beast, ok.
*
Angela and Caroline at the mirror. Angela takes her hairband out.
Angela - I don't think I need it.
*
Martin is still on Mac's bike.
Martin - It was a nightmare, everyone was panicking. I just said, you've got to calm down guys, you know, because they, we had to intubate nasally, [I think] house red everywhere, ok, you would probably have fainted, that kind of thing does not bother me at all.
Martin sees Mac standing beside him.
Martin - Sorry.
Mac - No, go on, sit on it.
Martin (to nurses) - I have got a bike, it's a scooter.
Mac - It's a great scooter.
The nurses leave.
Martin makes motorbike noises.
Mac - That's probably enough.
*
Joanna approaches Caroline in a hospital corridor. Her hair is very blonde.
Joanna - Ah, Caroline Todd. Still sleeping rough I see.
Caroline - No, actually.
Joanna - Bit of advice. Hairdressers are alive and well you know.
Caroline - Clearly you are blind.
*
In the HR office.
Karen is staring at Martin in the car park.
Kim - Where do you want these admissions lists, Karen?
Karen - Put them in my in tray.
Kim - What's this?
Karen - Just give it back to me.
Kim - What is it?
Karen - It's mine.
Kim - Can I look at it?
Karen - No!
Rachel - Looks like a poem to me.
Kim - Oh, have you written a poem, Karen?
Karen - Can I have it back now?
Kim - Ok, Rache, "Ode to Martin"
Rachel - Martin who?
Kim - Oh, Martin Dear. He's a queer.
Karen - He is not!
Kim - "There was a time I had not seen him,
I don't know how I coped.
Now every day I want to watch you,
and help you with your moat" Help you with your moat? What's that mean?
Karen - Moped. It's moped.
Kim - It doesn't rhyme.
Karen - It does.
Kim - No it doesn't.
Karen - Well its assonance.
Kim - What?
Karen - It's a half-rhyme. Michael Caine taught Julie Walters about it in "Educating Rita"
Kim - Bollocks.
Karen eats the poem, then spits it out again.
Hattie - I tell you what you could do, Karen, in the second line, cop-ed. I know not how I cop-ed. No, a bit flowery perhaps.
Joanna - Morning Mumsy, morning Rachel, morning Kimmy.
Kim - Jesus.
Joanna - What?
Kim - Nothing, you took me by surprise.
Joanna - Right. Oh Kim, I need you to sort out everyone's holiday rota, ok?
Kim - It looks very striking by the way.
Joanna - What does?
Kim - Your hair.
Joanna - Yeah, what about it?
Kim - Well?
Joanna - Oh yeah that, always goes a little lighter in the summer with the sun. What do you think?
Kim - It's amazing.
Joanna - I wouldn't go that far, I'm surprised you noticed actually, I don't think anyone else has.
*
Sue White is walking down a corridor with a group of teenagers trailing behind her.
Sue - Right. Full attention, tiny tots. As you can see from your actual in-depth bowel tour of an actual working hospital it's basically full of sick people who desperately want to get better but a lot of them don't and they die in pain. Any questions?
Male 6th former - Can we see the morgue?
Sue - No. Anything else? Good. Now, we are going to meet a very competent doctor and a close personal friend of mine, Dr. McCartney. This way, youths.
*
In the HR office.
Joanna - Right, Kimmy, I'm just going to go to this I.T seminar. If anyone wants... (She sees everyone has post-it note yellow hair ) Oh, you all think you're so titting funny, don't you. Course you realise I'll have to dock your wages for stationary wastage.
*
In a hospital room.
Mac - Hi, you're, er, Highfield sixth form, yeah. I heard you wanted to ask me some questions? About medicine? No? I'll fuck off then.
Male sixth former - Do you cut people up?
Mac - Yes, but only if they're asleep and they ask me nicely.
Male sixth former - Do you get to sleep with the nurses?
Mac - Yep, it's in their contract.
Female sixth former - Are you married?
Mac - No, are you?
Female sixth former - No.
Male sixth former - She's saving herself for the one.
Mac - Ah, yeah.
Caroline comes in.
Caroline - Sorry Mac, they're bringing Mr. Spoil round, you wanted to be there?
Mac - Yep, I'll be right there, I'm just going to put a few people off a life in medicine.
Caroline - Oh. Hello.
Male sixth former - Are you a doctor?
Caroline - Yes.
Male sixth former - And are you married?
Caroline - Goodness no.
Mac - She's still looking for the one.
*
I.T seminar.
Alan (to Joanna) - Can I just say, you're looking absolutely fantastic?
Joanna - Yes thank you.
Alan - My god, you look like a cross between Debbie Harry and Linda Evans.
Joanna - Oh, you flatterer.
Alan - I used to think dyed hair was trashy,
Joanna - Yes, it's not dyed actually, it just goes a little lighter in the sun.
Alan - Yeah yeah, absolutely, we had a dog that did exactly that.
Joanna - Well there we are. Morning Lyndon, whassup.
Lyndon - Hmm?
Joanna - Whassup, what's going down, what's the buzz?
Lyndon - Er, I dunno. Oh, there's a housewarming, one of the doctors.
Joanna - Oh, which doctor?
Alan - Ugaga, ugaga. Witch doctor. Ugaga. Carry on.
Lyndon - It's Caroline Todd.
Joanna - Oh, the ragamuffin one, yeah. Are you going?
Lyndon - I can't, I'm afraid.
Joanna - Oh. What about you, Mr Voodoo man, you invited?
Alan - Ah, don't think so. She's not going to invite someone of my seniority, I think she'll be sticking to the lower forms of pond life.
Lyndon - And what form of pond life am I?
Alan - I'd say you were a water-boatman.
Lyndon - Cool.
Alan - No, no, not cool actually, because a fish would probably eat you.
*
Hospital room.
Mac - Any final thoughts, Dr. Todd?
Caroline - Don't get ill. We make you all sleepy and do terrible things.
Mac - Wise words indeed.
Female sixth former - She could be your one.
Mac - Wha... Ok, that's all we've got time for. Very good. Er, enjoy yourselves, have good lives, it's been real.
Sue - Right young people, chippy choppy, your coach awaits, choppy choppy.
Female sixth former - I love 'im.
Sue - Hands off.
They leave.
Caroline - Well, that's them fucked up for life.
Mac - Yep, well done.
Caroline - Thanks.
Mac goes to shake Caroline's hand but pulls it away at the last second.
*
Tea room.
Guy - What would you do?
Martin - They don't ask questions like that.
Guy - They can, it's called ethics. It doesn't have to be about medicine. They can throw anything at you.
Martin - Ok, so what was it, there's a five year old girl in the house.
guy - Yep. The house is on fire. You can run in and save the girl, but if you do a psychopath will shoot the mother in the head what are you going to do? What are you going to do?
Martin - I'll save both of them.
Guy - You can't save both of them that's the point.
Martin - Ok, I'll save the girl.
Guy - Why?
Martin - Because she's younger, she's got more years of human life ahead of her. I'm saving more years of human life.
Guy - Ok, the girl's got an incurable disease. She's got five years of human life tops.
Martin - Nightmare. Ok, I'm still going for the kid, it's what the mother would want.
Guy - No, she's very selfish.
Martin - Then she deserves to die.
Guy - Ooh, they won't like that.
Martin - No, no, she doesn't deserve to die, er, er,
Guy - Get to the point.
Martin - Er, I'm still getting the kid, I'm getting the kid.
Guy - What about the mother?
Martin - Well, I'll just hope the psychopath changes his mind.
Guy - Why would he change his mind?
Martin - Because I would say,
Guy - What would you say?
Martin - I would say, hey, calm down, don't be stupid Steven, give me the gun.
Guy - Steven?
Martin - Yeah, well I'd find out his name first.
Guy - What's his star sign?
Martin - Er,
Guy - I'm joking!
Martin - Er, right, yeah, calm down Steven, I'm a doctor, I'm going to,
Guy - Argghh.
Martin - What's that?
Guy - That's the girl dying horribly in the fire, you took too long, burnt to a crisp.
Martin - Uh, oh. She was quite poorly though wasn't she?
Guy - Bang.
Martin - What's that?
Guy - Mummy's dead. Bang.
Martin - Steven?
Guy - No, his name's Jason, you lose.
Martin - They don't ask questions like that.
*
Caroline - What if nobody comes?
Angela - Why wouldn't they?
Caroline - Well, haven't been here that long and I'm not exactly Miss Popular.
Angela - Oh, don't be silly. Anyway, I am.
*
Sue's office. She's standing on a chair.
Sue - Come on, come on!
*
In corridor.
Guy - I'm just saying that my genes come from intellectuals and yours come from potato-digging shelala strummers.
Mac - A shelala is a stick. Why would you want to strum a stick?
Guy - Well exactly, that's my point, how stupid can you get? Martin, what do you think of when I say the word 'Switzerland' to you?
Martin - I dunno, you never said Switzerland to me before.
Guy - Well I'm saying it to you now, and don't say Phil Collins lives there.
Martin - Does he?
Guy - Shut your eyes, think of Switzerland, what do you see?
Martin - Nothing.
Guy - Nothing? You must see something.
Martin - No, I haven't got a visual memory, sorry.
Mac - I see something, I see something.
Guy - What?
Mac - I see, a chocolate Phil Collins coming out of a clock every hour to tidy up his Nazi gold.
Guy - Yeah well that is a big lie. Oh look, here comes Jimmy Saville.
Martin - I like Phil Collins.
Guy? - Now then, now then.
Joanna - Well, what the hell are you lot laughing at? Yeah, you of all people. (She tweaks Mac's hair) Well, at least I don't look like a girl.
Mac - Touche, touche, absolutely.
Joanna - Well what I mean is I don't look like a man-girl. Of course I look like a girl. In fact only this morning someone compared me to a Hollywood star.
Alan - Linda Evans.
Guy - Oh, well, she should know.
Alan - No, she,
Mac - Really, what, Linda Evans said that?
Joanna - Yes, Linda Evans from Dynasty no less so stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Dr Favoroni [I don't catch this bit, it must be a joke]
She and Alan walk away.
Alan - You were absolutely brilliant.
Joanna - I know.
*
Caroline - What are you wearing?
Angela - It's called a white coat. It's identical to the one you're wearing except it's a tiny bit whiter.
Caroline - No, I mean tonight.
Angela - Oh, oh god, I haven't thought. I've probably got something new in the cupboard.
Caroline - New? New? How can you just have something new in the cupboard?
Angela - Oh, I often pick up the odd outfit on my days off. Hate panic buying. What about you?
Caroline - Oh, I've got plenty of odd outfits.
*
Staff Liaison's office.
Sue is standing on a chair with her arse sticking out. There is a knock at the door.
Mac - Hiya, how are you?
Sue - Hi.
Mac - You did say twelve, didn't you?
Sue - You're right, I did say twelve and you're bang on time. Now, could you hold this chair steady, it keeps swizzling around here.
Mac - Yeah, sure.
Sue - Just need to put something up here.
Mac - Ok, I've got you.
Sue - Ok, ok, ok, and it's... in.
Sue gets off the chair and slides down Mac.
Mac - Lovely. I, erm...
Sue - Lovely. Right then, thanks. Thanks for that. Thanks, Mac. Now, how can I help you?
Mac - I, I wondered if you could sign this, erm, application form for me.
Sue - Yeah, course I can. Let's have a look at those details shall we? Oh,
Mac - It's just, yes, at the bottom there.
Sue - You're single? I find that hard to believe.
*
Random part of the hospital.
Caroline whistles.
Angela - What?
Caroline - Angela,
Angela - Hmm?
Caroline - Angela,
Angela - Hmm?
Caroline - Angela!
Angela - Hmm?
Caroline - I might have got a pen top stuck in my nose.
Angela - Let's have a look. Oh! Ah. How on earth did you do that?
Caroline - I wasn't picking! No, my hand was on top of my head and I slipped and the top of my pen just...
Angela - Ok, let's have a look, let's have a look.
Angela winces.
Angela - Try blowing it out. No, like blowing it out through your nose.
Caroline blows through her nose into Angela's face.
Angela - No, no, you see, no. Come along.
*
Staff Liaison's office.
Mac - So, perhaps if you could just sign here?
Sue - Ok, alright, here you go.
Mac - That's great.
Sue - Right.
Mac - Thank you very much.
Mac tries to take the form from Sue.
Sue - Thank you, thank you.
Mac - Very good.
Sue - There you go, there you go, alright.
Mac - Thank you.
Sue - Thank you.
Mac - Thank you.
Sue - Thank you, Dr MacCartney. Thanks very much. You know something, you are going to make a wonderful consultant.
Mac - That's very kind of you. See you later, bye-bye.
Sue - Bye-bye, bye-bye now.
Mac leaves. Sue sniffs his chair.
*
HR Office.
Angela - Hello girls.
Kim - Alright.
Rachel - Oh, what's up with her?
Caroline - I thought we were going to A & E?
Angela - Well, we are. sort of. Erm, is Harriet here?
Kim - I think she's feeding the guinea pigs.
Harriet - Are my ears burning?
Angela - Ah, hello Hattie, we've got a pen-top, left nostril, slightly protrouding.
Harriet (to Caroline) - Hello snooks.
Caroline - Hello, I'm Dr. Todd, very pleased to meet you.
Harriet - Look at the fairies. There, done.
Caroline - Oh. That was incredible.
Harriet - Beads up noses, scraped knees or splinters, come to me.
Caroline - Thank you, thanks, thanks very much. Erm, look, I'm having a party, tonight, and you're all invited.
Angela - Er, er, back to work, back to work. Right, chop chop.
Kim - Great.
*
Radiology department.
Alan - The second stage of the scan is the powerful pulse of radio waves which knock the protons out of alignment. Is that a mobile phone? Come on.
Boyce - Was what a mobile phone?
Alan - That noise.
Boyce - I didn't hear a noise.
Alan - Well I did.
Boyce - Can you describe it?
Alan - Yes, it was a sort of chirrup.
Boyce - Chirrup?
Alan - Yes, like chip, chirrup.
Boyce - Could it have been a chaffinch? Stuck in a ventilation shaft?
Alan - No, it wasn't a chaffinch Mr. Boyce, a chaffinch goes twit twit twit twit twit, twoo.
Boyce - Chif-chaf?
Alan - A chif-chaf? I wonder what the onomatopoeically named chif-chaf would make?
Boyce - A sort of chirrup noise?
Alan - Chif-chaf, chif-chaf, chif-chaf, chif-chaf, chif-chaf, chif-chaf, chif-chaf.
Boyce - You're begginning to sound a bit like a tit.
Alan - Come here. Come on, come here. Arms up.
Boyce - I'm not armed, I swear to god.
Alan - Assume the position.
Alan starts to search Boyce. Boyce makes noises.
Alan - Stop that.
Boyce - I can't help it, you've got really masterful hands.
Alan - No, I haven't. Here we are. Now I can only assume this is of the utmost importance and can be shared with the entire class.
Boyce - Oh, I'm not sure that, er...
Alan - Hello B..
Boyce - Hello, Boyce.
Alan - Oh, hello Boyce, yes, hello Boyce, I wnt...
Boyce - I want,
Alan - I want you, you with a u, yes, very clever, to c...
Boyce - Come
Alan - To come, on my, t,t,
Boyce - It's quite forward isn't it, she's a primary school teacher as well.
Alan - You telling me a primary school teacher sent you this poorly spelled barrage of filth?
Boyce - Yeah, I haven't phoned her for a while.
Alan - Wha, what are they like, in your depraved world?
Boyce - You know what women are like, eh, Rambo? The way they get keener as you get meaner, and less available, more mysterious. They love all that, you know. They'll do anything to a man they think is mysterious. Enigmatic.
Alan - Because of Mr. Boyce's diversion, we've run out of time. So shoo. Yes, shoo. Go on, shoo. and you, shoo!
*
Staff Liaison's office.
Sue - Something's troubling you, Martin.
Martin - No, nothing, honestly.
Sue - Don't lie to me Martin. Do not lie to me.
Martin - I am not lying.
Sue - Is it the party?
Martin - You know about the party?
Sue - Is the little party bothering you Martin?
Martin - Yes, yes it is.
Sue - Ha ha, I knew it. You see, it wasn't that difficult was it?
Martin - Are you going to go?
Sue - Well I haven't, um, haven't been invited. I thought maybe perhaps you could possibly perhaps maybe er, have a word with them perhaps.
Martin - Yeah, I could do, yes, that's a good idea.
Sue - Is that, what's his name, Dr, Dr, Dr. MacCartney. Is he going?
Mac - I think so, yeah.
Sue - Yep, I see I see I see.
Martin - You see I think I need to get some clothes.
Sue - You got no clothes? No well don't worry Martin, you can just go in your white coat. You look splendid.
Martin - I mean, I've got clothes. I just haven't got anything cool, you know. I don't know what kind of clothes women like.
Sue - You're going to go in women's clothes?
*
Alan's / Joanna's office.
Alan - Hmm, mysterious.
Alan rings Joanna.
Joanna - Yep.
Alan - Hello, it's me.
Joanna - What do you want?
Alan - I'm not in your office.
Joanna - What about it?
Alan - Normally I would have come to see you, but today, well... heh heh. I have better things to do.
Joanna - So?
Alan - So.
Joanna - Piss off and do them.
Joanna puts the phone down.
Alan - Methinks the lady has a fish-hook in her lip.
They both trim their bushes.
*
Staff Liaison's office.
Sue - Get your kit off. Kit off. Now, if it's clothes you're after, how about these, for starters. Ok, how's that?
Martin - Well, it's a bit crispy here, and here.
Sue - Crispy?
Martin - Hmm.
Sue - Creeping Jesus, these are supposed to have been washed.
Martin - Washed? Washed? They're not new?
Sue - No, it's not new, why would I have a box of new clothes in my office? No, no Martin, it's not new, this is the dead box.
Martin - What, these are the clothes of dead people?
Sue - Name hasn't fooled you then.
Martin - That is disgusting.
Sue - Don't be so soft, there's nothing wrong with it. Look, (she points to her clothes) fatal RTA, fatal RTA, stoke victim. I waited three days for these, saves me a fortune, but if it's not good enough for you, I'll just have to take you shopping.
Martin - Oh, brilliant.
Sue - Well not now you fucking twat. Out. Go and dance with your midget elf friends.
*
Lyndon's office.
Joanna - Hello.
Lyndon - Hi.
*
In surgery.
Guy - So if you had to kill someone out of work, do you think you could?
Mac - What, kill an unemployed person?
Guy - No, kill outside of work, not at the hospital.
Mac - Hmm, I dunno.
Guy - I reckon I could, if they came at me.
Mac - Yeah, hand to hand?
Guy - Yeah, or you know if they had a sword or something. I reckon reflexes would take over.
Mac - You see, if someone came at me with a sword, my instinct would be to run away.
Guy - Yeah but sometimes you're just not in a running away mood you know, or maybe I've got a sword as well.
Mac - How come you both have swords?
Guy - Maybe we're in a sword shop.
Mac - Oh right, that local sword shop down the road on the high street.
Guy - Yeah, so we're in a sword shop, he comes at me, I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I could take him. Oops, forgot the blower thing, where does it go?
*
Lyndon's office.
Joanna - What if you had an important ally, you know, someone high up in the, er, hospital management, someone sophisticated, and slightly older maybe, who could help you, if you get my meaning?
Lyndon - Well that would be unfair, and like I say my wages are fine, thank you.
Joanna - Lyndon, you're forgetting I'm head of human resources, I know exactly how much you earn.
Lyndon -You forget, I'm head of the database, i know how slightly older you are.
Joanna fall off the desk at Lyndon's feet.
Joanna - What gorgeous shoes.
Lyndon - Watch your head.
Joanna - Hmm, very interesting.
*
In surgery.
Guy - I could happily kill everyone with a baseball cap.
Mac - What everyone, with one baseball cap?
Guy - No, if you got everyone, lots of people together who were all wearing baseball caps I'd happily kill them.
Mac - With a sword?
Guy - Yes.
Mac - Course you could.
Guy - What if you had to kill your own dad?
Mac - Ok, she's out of here. Thank you very much. You know what, we're very lucky to have people like you working in the caring professions.
Guy - That's right.
A machine starts beeping.
Guy - Shit.
Guy hits the machine. It stops beeping.
Guy (to patient) - Yeah, you don't fool me, sleepy.
*
Shop.
Sue - Have you got a hoodie? Well?
Martin - I'm circumcised actually.
Sue - A hoodie.
Martin - Oh, a hoodie, hood, yes. Well this makes you look like you're in a gang. I know what you're thinking. I'm not jewish.
*
Lyndon's office.
Lyndon - Take a seat. Look, is this something to do with Joanna Clouhe? Want to talk about it? Look, if there's a problem, I'm sure we can - no, really, I'm...
Alan strips to his pants, shows his muscles, wipes his naked bum on the desk, takes his clothes and leaves.
Lyndon - Fucking hell.
*
Corridor.
Guy - You alright, Fartin?
Mac - (To Martin) Don't listen to him. (To Guy) I think he's quite excited about the party.
Martin - Yeah, just er, just practicing my dancing. i think the moves are getting a little bit funky.
Mac - Funkee.
Martin - Funky.
Mac - No, funkee.
Martin - Funky.
Mac - No, funkee.
Martin - Funky.
Mac - Funkee.
Martin - Funky.
Mac - Say it with me, say it with me, funkee.
Martin - Funky.
Guy - Oh for christ's sake.
Mac - Funkee.
Martin - Funky.
Mac - No, funkee.
Martin - Funky.
Mac - No, funkee.
Martin - Funky.
Mac - Funkee.
Martin - Funky.
Mac - Funkee, funkee.
Martin - Funky.
Mac - Funkee.
Guy - Funkee.
Martin and Mac together - Funkee / funky.
*
Alan's office.
Joanna - Alan, what the fuck have you been up to?
Alan - Oh, you know, things. My own secret things.
Joanna - Why?
Alan - Ah, ha ha ha.
Joanna - Are you ever going to stop being such an utter wanker?
Alan - Joanna, please, I don't care what you're thinking or feeling, but please don't damage hospital property.
Joanna - Why?
Alan - All I'm saying is, this is a hospital not some kind of a stunt show.
Joanna - What are you doing?
Alan - Ah, I'm being mysterious, alright?
Joanna - Why?
Alan - You don't want to know why.
Joanna - I do.
Alan - Alright, so you'll give me
Boyce enters the room
Alan - Mr. Wanky with you finger in my back door, alright?
Boyce - Well we've finished the modules, so I'll just put them there, shall I?
Alan - Yes. Nearly finished rehearsing the play.
Joanna - 'Learning to lie'.
*
Corridor.
Caroline is crawling on her hands and knees.
Mac - Ah, I thought I hadn't seen much of you this afternoon - do you need a doctor?
Guy - Or will Mac do?
Caroline - No, no, I'm just wearing my shoes in, for tonight.
Guy kneels down behind her, Mac crawls on all fours beside her.
Caroline - You are both coming aren't you?
Mac - Oh, yeah yeah yeah. Will there be many vertical people there?
Caroline - Yeah, hope so.
Guy - Then so shall we.
Mac - Cool.
*
Caroline's party - living room.
Caroline - Two lab technicians and a porter? I told you no-one would come. Everyone's probably having a great time in the pub right now.
Angela - No no no, they wouldn't do that.
Liam comes up to them.
Angela - Oh, beer no. 2? We could get some dancing going.
Liam - In a little while - it's a bit early for that.
Angela - Have a little nibble.
Liam - No, not right now.
Angela - Just to line your stomach.
Liam - No, not right now.
*
Pub.
Kim, Rachel and Boyce are doing shots.
Kim - I can match you drink for drink, sad boy.
Boyce - Oh, she's got spunk but can she back it up?
Kim - Let's do two, straight down.
Rachel - Oh god.
Boyce - Oh ho ho, fighting talk from the brunette. Barman, six of your finest Morphy Ninewalkers [I have no idea if this is right] please. This will blow your tits off.
Rachel - I'm going to be sick.
Rachel runs off.
Boyce - Ah, it's just you and me. Tell you what, if you're still standing after that, I'll let you put your hand in my pants.
They do the shots. Kim stands up.
Kim - Still standing.
*
HR Office.
Phone rings.
Joanna - Yeah,
Alan - I can see you.
Joanna - Yeah,
Alan - I ask the questions.
Joanna - Go on then.
Alan - I can see everything you're doing.
Joanna - Who are you supposed to be exactly?
Alan - My name is irrelevant! And, there, you asked the question I asked you not to ask, it. Don't, otherwise there, er, hello.
Joanna is standing in front of Alan. He's been hiding in her office to phone her.
Joanna - Ah, you must be Mr. Irrelevant. What are you going to do to me now then mystery man?
Alan - I'm going to push you into a car and drive you to a secret location and do unspeakable things to you.
Joanna - Ooh, unspeakable things.
Alan - Yes, but could you drive because I've just got the bike and I'm not insured.
Joanna - I have to do my own abduction? Why do I have to do everything?
Alan - Well, no, it'll be alright because it'll be very unpleasant for you.
*
Caroline's party.
Guy - Well, Boyce's pulled... er, cool.
Martin - Yeah?
Guy - No shit. Brace yourselves girls, the class has arrived.
Guy kisses Kim on both cheeks, goes to kiss Karen but recoils, kisses Rachel.
Guy - Ah, Rachel. you got a dog, Rachel?
Rachel - Yeah, a westie, actually it's my mum's.
Guy - Yeah, ever let it lick your face?
Rachel - Yeah, sometimes.
Guy - Yeah, though so. Yeugh. Oh look, there goes a BFB.
Mac - What's that?
Guy - BFB, better from behind.
Mac - Ah, you're so sensitive.
Guy (to Rachel) - Fashion tip, if you're getting skin wings, your bra's too tight.
Rachel gives Guy the finger.
Mac - Goths.
Guy - And the point of them is?
Mac - What I like is how they pretend they're being ugly on purpose, it's genius.
Guy (sees Martin) - Yeah. Oh hey, look, it's the love child of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla. What are you, the eighth dwarf, Twaty? Even if you were from the future, you'd still be wrong. D'you know what I like about this outfit? Fuck all.
*
HR Office.
Alan - And then I thought because, I would wear the balaclava.
Joanna - Yeah yeah, that might help, can you put it on.
Alan - Well, I'd rather save it for later because I have an intolerance to wool.
Joanna - Show me.
Alan - Well I'll do it for a bit. If I go blotchy I, I, I don't, I can do it.
Joanna - Yeah, that might help, I'll get my coat.
Alan - It's going to be very bad for you in the woods.
A staff member - Good evening, Dr. Statham.
Alan - Er, good evening.
Joanna - Do you do any other voices?
Alan - Erm, mexican bandit?
Joanna - No, I don't think so.
Alan - An american? This is very itchy.
Joanna - Anyone else?
Alan (in heavy cod indian accent) - Marlon Brando?
*
Party. Living room.
Karen - Hi.
Martin - Have you seen Caroline?
Karen - No. I'm Karen.
Martin - I'm Martin.
Karen - I know.
Martin - How d'you do?
*
Party. Living room / dining room.
Caroline - So. You and Angela.
Liam - Me and Angela.
Caroline - Angela and you. you seem to be seeing quite a lot of each other.
Liam - Oh yes. I wasn't looking for a relationship but she is irresistible, isn't she?
Caroline - Well, I have managed to resist so far.
Liam - Do you know, I don't think I've ever gone out with anyone so absolutely perfect. Although she does dance a bit like a wolf.
Caroline - Yeah. Odd, that.
*
Party. Living room.
Karen - You're a doctor, aren't you?
Martin - Yeah.
Karen - You look just like one. Is your wife a doctor?
Martin - Wife, no, she's not. I mean, I don't have a wife.
Karen - Is your girlfriend a doctor?
Martin (whispers) - I don't have a girlfriend.
Karen - What?
Martin (shouts over music) - I don't have a girlfriend.
Everyone hears.
Rachel - Shame.
*
HR Office.
Harriet - Morning, Leslie.
Leslie - Evening you mean.
Harriet - I fell asleep. Wrong sort of nine o'clock.
*
Party. Living room.
Caroline laughs - You're funny.
Mac - Must be the lights.
Martin is offered coke on a CD.
Martin - Thanks.
He turns over the CD to look at it. The coke falls on the floor.
Martin - That is fucking brilliant.
*
Party. Hall.
Sue - Wah!
Mac - Wah!
Sue - Have I ever told you about the little pink rabbit?
Mac - No, no, I don't think you have.
Sue - The little pink rabbit that lives down a little magic rabbit hole?
Mac - I think I'd have remembered that.
Sue - Some people think the little pink rabbit doesn't exist, because they haven't been able to find it.
Mac - Really?
Sue - Yeah. D'you think you'd be able to find it?
Mac - I could have a guess.
Sue - I don't mind you having a stab in the dark.
Mac - Does the rabbit live in an enchanted forest?
Sue - Yeah. Yes, it does.
Mac - does the rabbit only pop his little head out every once in a while?
Sue - Yes.
Mac - Does the rabbit like a nice big carrot?
Sue - Absolutely!
Mac - Can I say one thing at this point yeah? Haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.
Sue - Yes you have.
Mac - No, no I haven't.
Sue - Have.
Mac - Have not. Have not.
Sue - You have!
Mac - Have not.
Mac leaves.
Sue - Don't you worry Mr. Bunny, we're not finished yet.
*
Party. Kitchen.
Martin - Yeah, I bought that.
Guy - Wise choice Martin. Chateau de la shite, yeah.
Guy sips wine, spits.
Guy - Yeah, pure tramp juice.
Martin - Yeah well, I've got my own criteria.
Guy - Ah yeah, anything that's £4.99 because £2.99's a bit low and a tenner's too much and so you stand there and you think, I really should buy a Chablis but fuck it, it's only a party, can't be bothered, so what you end up with is this. Van der pays for what you get, and what you get is shite.
Marin - Well, no.
Guy - Yeah, well I am actually mate because I have the exact same criteria myself.
Martin - Yeah well, alright I'll admit it.
guy - Yeah. Yeah, I knew it, you pleb.
*
Party. Bathroom.
Boyce - My turn, and if you get this one wrong, you have to... take a shower. Are you ready? Are you ready?
Kim - Alright.
Boyce - Ok, Kim. On an X-ray of which organ would you find endocroditis of the tricuspibel?
Kim - Is it Brazil?
Boyce - I'm sorry, that's the incorrect answer. I'm afraid I'm going to have to make you wet.
*
Party. Living room.
Caroline (to random girl) - There are some neurologists over there, I think they can help you.
Martin - What's the difference between jumping on a trampoline and jumping on a baby?
Caroline - Erm...
Martin - You have to take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
Caroline - Not if it's your trampoline.
Martin - True. Funny though, isn't it?
Caroline shakes her head and leaves.
*
In car.
Alan - Drive.
Joanna - I am.
Alan - Then keep doing so.
Joanna - Where?
Alan - Go right here, now.
Joanna - Alright.
Alan - Did you indicate?
Joanna - Yes.
Alan - Intersection.
Joanna - You're sounding like a driving instructor now.
Alan - Shut up! I make the rules here.
Joanna - You'll be tapping the dashboard with your clipboard in a minute.
Alan - You shut up, I'm in charge. I'm getting quite itchy.
Joanna - Keep it on.
Alan - I'm your worst nightmare.
Joanna - Yeah, you know me, the degree of menace is killing me.
Alan - It's steaming up, can we have the heater on?
*
Party. On stairs.
Karen - Are you ok?
Martin - Yeah, alright. Listen, you're a woman, well a female. If someone fancied you, well, more than fancied you, they loved you and they wanted to tell you but they weren't sure of the response, but they did it anyway, would you slap them?
Karen - Maybe I'd be pleased.
Martin - I don't think she's going to be pleased.
Karen - You don't know that.
Martin - I do know that. No-one's ever fancied me before, ever.
Karen - What about me?
Martin - What, has no woman ever fancied you, either?
Karen - I really like you.
Martin - Yeah well, no offence but I'm a bit sick and tired of girls saying they like me. It's not the same as fancy, is it?
Karen - Well I'd sleep with you if you wanted.
Martin - Yeah, as a friend.
Karen - You're very very attractive.
Martin - Yea, I know, but she doesn't think so. She just thinks I'm nice.
Karen puts her hand on Martin's crotch, over the slinky he's playing with.
Martin - Do you want to play with my slinky?
Karen nods.
Martin - Drink.
Martin crawls under a goth's skirt and leaves.
*
In car.
Alan - Stop the car now.
Joanna - Alright, Mr. Forceful, time to have your mysterious way with me.
Alan - Are you telling me that Mr. Frankfurter can look inside the bun?
Joanna - Ah ah ah, out there. In the park.
Alan - The gates are locked.
Joanna - Yeah, but we can climb the fence.
Alan - But we're not allowed to do that my sexy darling.
Joanna - Allowed? Allowed? What sort of mystery kidnapper are you?
Alan - Well one that's loathe to contravene the local by-laws but... we could have... in here?
Joanna gets out of the car.
Alan - Right, yes, get out of the car. Right. Over there!
*
Party. Living room.
Caroline is dancing drunkenly.
Mac - So have you given up on her?
Guy - Far from it, it's all part of the grand scheme. Anyway, she's TDTF.
Mac - She's certainly TDTD.
Guy - Too drunk to dig? Doodle? Defecate?
Mac - Dance.
Guy - Yeah. Watch and learn.
Guy dances over to Caroline. He moves out of the way just before they kiss and leaves.
Martin - Caroline, Caroline.
Caroline - Not now, Martin.
She follows Guy. Mac watches her go.
*
Park wall.
Alan - Up you go.
Joanna - Uh.
Alan - I could be Robert Kilroy-Silk.
Joanna - No.
Alan - What about Charlton Heston?
Joanna - No.
Alan - Or Wayne Sleep? No, too small.
Joanna - Ah. Get off!
Alan - Oh!
*
Party. In the hall.
Caroline - Shit, are you going?
Guy - Yeah, thought I'd better.
Caroline - You don't want to stay here?
Guy - In the hall?
Caroline - You could sleep in my bed. You let me sleep in yours once.
Guy - Where would you sleep?
Caroline - Maybe I wouldn't be doing much sleeping.
She falls against the front door.
Guy - You alright?
Caroline - Yep. So, do you want to spend the night?
Guy - Yes. But only when it's right.
Caroline - When will it be right?
Guy - Soon.
Caroline - It's not right now?
Guy - No.
Caroline - You sure it will be right.
Guy - I'm sure, yeah. We just need to spend some special time together, and we need to work up to it until we feel we're about to explode.
Guy kisses Caroline.
Caroline - I think I might explode now.
Guy stops Caroline from kissing him.
Guy - We have to wait.
Caroline - We have to wait.
Guy - Yes.
Guy leaves. Caroline leaves. Guy comes back to see what she does.
*
Upstairs.
Martin - Just want to get through for my coat.
Sue - Crack concoon [I have no real idea what she says - offer of drugs maybe?]
Martin - No thank you.
Martin sits on a bed.
Martin - You are a strong, manly man. You are a strong manly man.
Boyce - Well thanks very much.
Martin - Boyce! What are you doing here? Are you going to crash here? Great, we can have a slumber party, talk about girls, just kind of,
Kim - Piss off will you Martin.
Martin - Kim! What are you doing here?
Kim - Having sex.
Martin - Good, well, ok, I'll go somewhere else.
Boyce - We'll have that slumber party another time though, yeah mate?
Sue - Yeah man.
*
Party. Bathroom.
Martin - Right, show no fear. No fear. Rarrr.
There's a knock on the door.
Martin - Yeah. Yeah, fine. I love you. No, I love you.
*
Party. At the front door.
Caroline - Bye-bye. Who are you? Thanks for coming.
Sue - Whee, whee.
Caroline - Ah, you were here. Well, thank you for coming.
Sue (to Caroline's breasts) - Thank you Dr. Trodd for inviting me to the party.
Caroline - I didn't know I did but you're here and now you're going so that's all that matters.
Sue kisses Caroline.
Caroline - I've been sick.
Sue squeezes her own nipples.
Sue - So have I, and, I am completely shaved.
Caroline (whispers) - Oh my god. Oh my god.
Sue - Bye-bye then. I'll see you at work, ok.
Caroline - Bye.
Sue - Calling mac-a-doo.
Sue leaves.
Martin - I'm partially shaved.
Caroline - Oh, are you leaving?
Martin - Well no, not necessarily.
Caroline - Oh god. So I don't have to kiss you then?
Martin - Although I have got exams so perhaps I should.
Caroline - Oh, have you?
Martin - Yeah.
Caroline - Oh, oh, ok. Night night then Martin, thank you thank you thank you for coming.
Caroline kisses Martin. She stumbles.
Caroline - Oh sorry, I'm so sorry, I've been a little bit stupid. I've, it wasn't you I wanted, it was the kitten.
Caroline leaves.
Martin - Thank you, thank you, wow, wow. Maybe I could stay a bit longer and leave a bit later? It's actually not that late.
*
Park.
Alan and Joanna are having sex.
Alan - Oh yes, at last. There we, oh, the infidel is at the gates.
Joanna - He'll have to knock a bit harder.
Alan - Oh!
Joanna - Oh, oh, yep.
*
Party. Kitchen.
Caroline and Martin are drinking tequila shots.
Caroline - Ok, what shall we drink to now, Martin?
Martin - Erm...
Caroline - I know, goats! With hooves!
Martin - Ok.
Caroline - Goats with hooves! May they always be sure-footed and never fall from the mountain and break their spindly legs.
Caroline throws back her shot, Martin takes a sip and puts it down. Caroline collapses backwards and is caught by Mac.
Mac - Woah! Could she be drunk?
Martin - Yes. She's had 21 shots of tequila.
Caroline - 18.
Martin - And 4 shots of undiluted orange squah. I bloody love her.
Mac - Yeah? I think we better get her up to the bathroom. Come on.
*
Park.
Alan - Oh yes, oh yes.
Joanna - No, no. you're going to have to pretend you're coming to mend something.
Alan - I've, I've come to mend an appliance for you.
Joanna - Be more specific! And use a deeper voice.
Alan - I've come to fix some problem in your fax-modem. Let's have a feel round, oh, there it is.
Joanna - that's it, sort me, sort me.
Alan - Oh yes, oh yes.
Joanna - Oh!
*
Party. Bathroom.
Caroline is leaning over the toilet. Mac is beside her.
Caroline - Ok, ok. It's gone again.
Mac - Ah.
Caroline - Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm ok now, I've only eaten hula hoops today.
They stare into each other's eyes.
Caroline - You're a very attractive man, aren't you?
Mac - Yeah yeah, I know.
They kiss.
Caroline - That was nice.
Mac - Hmmm.
Caroline - But I feel I should remind you that you have just kissed a sicky mouth.
*
Party. Outside.
Kim - He's not worth it.
Karen - Yes he is.
Kim - No he isn't.
Karen - Yes he is.
Kim - No he isn't.
Karen - Yes he is.
Kim - He's got pink trousers on Karen.
Karen - I like them.
Kim - Oh, get over it. He's not even a proper doctor.
Karen is crying and she gets her hair tangled in the slinky.
*
Party. The bathroom.
Mac and Caroline are staring at each other. They start to kiss again. Martin comes in and they break apart.
Martin - Erm, I've got the water.
Mac - Come on then, let's get you up. I'm going to leave you in the very capable hands of Dr. Martin Dear, ok?
Caroline - Ok.
Mac - Hope you feel better soon.
Caroline - Thank you, thank you very much, I feel better already.
Mac and Caroline shake hands.
Mac - Thank you for coming to see me.
Caroline - Thank you Doctor.
Mac - See you.
Caroline - Right.
Mac (to Martin) - Doctor.
Mac leaves.
Martin - Yes. Erm, oh sorry.
He winces at Caroline's breath as she falls against him.
Martin - Oh, listen, shall I just carry you to your room?
Caroline - I think I'd probably crush you.
Martin puts her over his shoulder and carries her out. He bashes her head against the door.
Martin - Sorry, sorry.
*
In the park.
Alan - And, and, oh, and, and, and have you considered taking out an extended warranty Madam?
Joanna - What?
Alan - An extended warranty, it's well worth the extra money and even covers accidental damage.
Joanna - What?
Alan - The five,
Joanna - Ahh, ahh,
Alan - The five, the five, the five year warranty!
Joanna - Ahh,
Alan - Ooh,
Joanna - Ooh,
Alan - Oh, oh my dolly, oh my dolly, oh my dolly. Oh, there's a little bit left, erugh, there it is.