Transcript - Episode 5

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

EPISODE 5 by Belladonna

Opens with Martin on his moped.

- - -

Caroline getting ready for work in the mirror. Angela joins her. Liam comes downstairs.

Liam: I've got bowel cancer.

Angela: What is it, sweet?

Liam: I told you, I've got bowel cancer. I've got blood clots in my…

Angela: Ok, well we'd better go & have a look.

They go upstairs, Caroline hides a hairpiece in her mouth. Angela returns.

Angela: Sundried tomatoes.

- - -

Martin on Mac's motorbike. Talking to 2 nurses.

Martin: Yeah, so thank god I had this filthy bitch between my thighs. She is a beast. Er, but you've got to become one with that beast. Yeah, you've got to control the beast, ok.

Mac walks past in background watching.

- - -

Angela: (Sigh) I don't need anything.

Slaps Caroline's bum on the way past. Caroline removes the hairclip.

- - -

Martin: It was a nightmare, everyone was panicking. I just said ‘you've got to calm down guys'. You know. We had to incubate nasally. House red everywhere. And erm, you would have probably fainted. That kind of thing does not bother me at all. (sees Mac behind him) ... Sorry, Mac.

Mac: No, go on, sit on it, go on, sit on it.

Martin: I have got a bike. It's a scooter. It's skinnier but…

Mac: It's a great scooter.

Martin: It's a… yeah. (makes engine noises).

Mac: That, that's probably enough now.

Martin: Yeah.

- - -

Joanna walks down corridor with bleached hair.

Joanna: Ah, Caroline Trodd, Still sleeping rough I see.

Caroline: Well no actually…

Joanna: Bit of advice, hairdressers are alive & well you know.

Caroline: Clearly you're blind.

- - -

Karen watches Martin out of the office window.

Kim: Where do you want these admissions lists, Karen?

Karen: Put them in my in tray.

Kim picks up a pink post-it.

Kim: What's this?

Karen: Give it back to me.

Kim: What is it?

Karen: It's mine.

Kim: Let's have a look at it.

Karen: No!

Rachel: It looks like a poem to me.

Kim: Oh, have you written a poem Karen?

Karen: Can I have it back now please.

Rachel: Let's hear it.

Kim: ‘Ode to Martin'.

Rachel: Martin who?

Kim: Martin Dear the queer.

Karen: He is not…

Kim: (reading) ‘There was a time I had not seen you. I don't know how I coped. Now every day I want to watch you, and help you with your moped.' Help you with your moped, what's that mean?

Karen: Moped, It's Moped.

Kim: That doesn't rhyme.

Karen: Yes it does.

Kim: No it doesn't.

Karen: Well it's assonance.

Kim: What?

Karen: It's a half-rhyme. Michael Caine taught Julia Waters about it in Educating Rita.

Kim: Bollocks.

Karen stuffs the post-it into her mouth.

Harriet: I'll tell you what you could do, Karen. In the second line, coped, coped. I know not how I coped. No, a bit flowy perhaps.

Joanna walks in.

Joanna: Morning mumsie. Morning Rachel. Morning Kim.

Kim: Jesus!

Joanna: What?

Kim: Oh, no it just took me by surprise.

Joanna: Oh erm, Kim, I need you to sort out everyone's holiday rota at some point by the way.

Kim: Er, looks very striking by the way.

Joanna: What does?

Kim: Your hair.

Joanna: Yeah, what about it?

Kim: Well.

Joanna: Oh that. Yes. It always goes lighter in the summer with the sun. What do you think?

Kim: It's amazing.

Joanna: Oh I wouldn't go that far. Surprised you noticed actually. I don't think anyone else has.

Office people then pick up the yellow post-its & start putting them round their faces.

- - -

Sue skips & kids walk along corridor.

Sue: Right, full attention please tiny tots. As you see from your actual in-depth bowel tour of an actual working hospital. It's basically full of sick people who desperately want to get better but a lot of them don't and they die in pain. Any questions?

Male Student: Can we see the morgue?

Sue: No. Anything else? … Good. Now, we are going to meet a very competent doctor and a close personal friend of mine. Dr Macartney. This way youths.

- - -

Joanna walks out of her office.

Joanna: Right, Kimmy, I'm just off to this IT seminar. If anybody… You all think you're so titting funny don't you. Of course, you realise I'll have to dock your wages for stationery wastage.

- - -

Mac joins the students.

Mac: Hiya, you're er [Highfield] Sixth Form, yeah? Now do you want to ask me questions? About medicine? No? Right, I'll piss off then.

Male Student: Do you cut people up?

Mac: Yep but only if they're asleep & they ask me nicely.

Male Student: Do you get to sleep with the nurses?

Mac: Yup, it's in their contract.

Female Student: Are you married?

Mac: No. Are you?

Female Student: No.

Male Student: Oh, she's just saying herself for the one.

Mac: Oh yeah.

Caroline walks in.

Caroline: Sorry Mac, they're bringing Mrs Foyle round. You wanted to be there.

Mac: Yep, I'll be right there. I'm just going to put a few people off a life in medicine.

Caroline: Oh. Hello.

Male Student: Are you a doctor?

Caroline: Er, yes.

Male Student: Are you married.

Caroline: Goodness no.

Mac: She's still looking for the one.

- - -

IT seminar. Alan & Joanna get tea.

Alan: Can I just say, you're looking absolutely fantastic.

Joanna: Thankyou.

Alan: My god, look at you, you look like a cross between Debbie Harry & Linda Evans from Dynasty.

Joanna: Oh you flatterer.

Alan: I used to think dyed hair was a bit trashy but on you it…

Joanna: Yeah, it's not dyed actually, it just goes a little lighter in the sun.

Alan: Yeah, yeah, absolutely. We, we had a dog that did exactly that.

Joanna: Well there we are. Ah, morning Lyndon.

Lyndon: Hi.

Alan: Morning Lyndon.

Joanna: What's up?

Lyndon: Hmm?

Joanna: What's up? What's going down? What's the buzz?

Lyndon: Well I don't know. Oh there's a housewarming. One of the doctors.

Joanna: Oh, which doctor?

Alan: Ooh ga ga. Ooh ga ga. Ha, it's a witchdoctor.

Lyndon: It's Caroline Todd.

Joanna: Ah, the ragamuffin one. Are you going?

Lyndon: I can't I'm afraid.

Joanna: What about you Mr Voodoo Man? Are you invited?

Alan: Ah, I don't think so. She's not going to invite someone of my seniority. I think she'll be sticking to the lower forms of pondlife.

Lyndon: And what form of pondlife am I?

Alan: I'd say you were a sort of waterboatman.

Lyndon: Cool.

Alan: No, not cool. Because a fish would probably eat you.

- - -

Mac: Any final thoughts, Dr Todd?

Caroline: Don't get ill. We'll make you all sleepy and do terrible things.

Mac: Wise words indeed.

Female Student: She could be your one.

Mac: What? Ok, that's all we've got time for. Very good. Er, enjoy yourselfs, have good lifes. It's been real.

Sue: Right, young people, choppy choppy, your coach awaits, choppy choppy.

Female Student: I love him.

Sue: Hands off.

Caroline: Right, that's them fucked up for life.

Mac: Yep. Well done.

Caroline: Thanks.

Goes to shake hands but teases Caroline & pulls away.

- - -

Guy: What would you do?

Martin: They don't ask questions like that.

Guy: They can. It's called ethics. It doesn't have to be about medicine. They could throw anything at you.

Martin: Right, so what was it? There's a five year old girl in a house…

Guy: Yep, the house is on fire. You can run in & save the girl but if you do the dangerous psychopath will shoot the mother in the head. What are you going to do? What are you going to do?

Martin: Right, ok erm I'm doing it, I'm going to try to save both of them.

Guy: You can't save both that's the point.

Martin: Ok, I'd save the girl.

Guy: Why?

Martin: Because she's younger, she's got more years of human life.

Guy: Ok, the girl's got an incurable disease, she's got five years to live tops. C'mon the fire's really catching hold.

Martin: Right, I'm in, I'm still going for the kid. That's what the mother would want.

Guy: No, the mother is very selfish.

Martin: Oh, then the mother deserves to die.

Guy: Oooh, they won't like that.

Martin: No, she doesn't deserve to die.

Guy: C'mon Martin you're losing points.

Martin: I'm going in. I'm still getting the kid. I'm getting the kid.

Guy: What about the mother?

Martin: Well I'll just hope the psychopath changes his mind.

Guy: Why would he change his mind.

Martin: Because I'd talk to him.

Guy: What would you say?

Martin: I'd say ‘hey, calm down. Don't do anything stupid Steven, give me the gun. I'm…'

Guy: Steven?

Martin: Well yeah, I'd find out his name first.

Guy: What's his star sign?

Martin: Erm.

Guy: I'm joking.

Martin: Right, er yeah, now calm down Steven. I'm a doctor. I'm going to…

Guy: Aaaargh.

Martin: What the hell was that?

Guy: That's the girl dying horribly in the fire. You took too long, she's burnt to a crisp.

Martin: Oh. Well, she was quite poorly though…

Guy: Bang!

Martin: What was that?

Guy: Mummy's dead. Bang!

Martin: Steven.

Guy: No his name was Jason, you lose. (sticks his tongue out). Work.

Martin: They don't ask questions like that.

- - -

Caroline: What if nobody comes?

Angela: Why wouldn't they?

Caroline: Well I haven't been here that long and I'm not exactly Miss Popular.

Angela: Oh don't be silly. Anyway, I am.

- - -

Sue stood on chair in her office. Tuts & looks at watch.

Sue: Come on, come on.

- - -

Mac walking down corridor.

Guy: I am just saying that my genes come from intellectuals and yours come from potato digging shillelah strummers.

Mac: Right, a shillelah is a stick, why would you want to strum a stick?

Guy: Yeah well exactly. That's my point. How stupid can you get? Martin, what do you think of when I say the word ‘Switzerland'?

Martin: I dunno. You've never said ‘Switzerland' to me before.

Guy: Yeah well, I'm saying it now. And don't say Phil Collins lives there.

Mac raises his arms in triumph.

Martin: Does he?

Guy: Shut your eyes. Think of Switzerland, what do you see?

Martin: Nothing.

Guy: Nothing? You must see something.

Martin: No, I don't have a visual memory, sorry.

Mac: I see something. I see something. I see a chocolate Phil Collins coming out of a clock every hour to tidy up his Nazi gold.

Guy: Yeah well, that is a big lie. Oh look, here comes Jimmy Saville.

Joanna & Alan approach.

Martin: I like Phil Collins.

Guy: Now then, now then.

Joanna: Yeah what the hell are you lot laughing at? Ah, you of all people. Well at least I don't look like a girl.

Mac: Yeah, touche, touche. Very good.

Guy: Absolutely.

Joanna: Yeah, well I mean, at least I don't look like a man girl. I mean, of course I look like a girl. In fact only this morning someone said I looked like a Hollywood star.

Alan: It was Linda Evans actually.

Guy: Oh, well, she should know.

Mac: Really, what? Linda Evans said that.

Alan: No, she looked like…

Joanna: Yeah, Linda Evans from Dynasty so stick that in your windpipe and choke on it Dr [someone speaks over this bit] Zavaroni.

Alan: You were absolutely brilliant.

Joanna: I know. Now fuck off.

- - -

Caroline: What are you wearing?

Angela: It's called a white coat. It's identical to the one you're wearing only a tiny bit whiter.

Caroline: Tonight, tonight. What are you wearing tonight?

Angela: Oh god, I haven't really thought. I've probably got something new in the cupboard.

Caroline: New? New? How can you just have something new in, in the cupboard?

Angela: Oh forward planning. I often pick up pick up the odd outfit on my day off. Hate panic buying. What about you.

Caroline: Yeah, I've got plenty of odd outfits.

- - -

Sue on her chair still. Knock on door.

Mac: Hi ya. How are you?

Sue: Hi.

Mac: (sigh) You did say 12 didn't you?

Sue: Mmm, you're right Mac, I did say 12 and you're bang on time. Now, could you hold this chair steady? It keeps swivelling around here.

Mac: Yeah sure.

Sue: I just need to put something up here.

Mac: Ok, I've got you. I've got you.

Sue: Ok, ok, ok, ok. And it's…in.

Mac: Lovely, can I erm…?

Sue: Lovely, well thanks for that. Thanks Mac.

Mac: Yeah.

Sue: Now how can I help you?

Mac: I was wondering if you could sign this, erm, application form for me?

Sue: Yeah, of course I can. Let's have a look at those details shall we?

Mac: Great.

Sue: Oh…

Mac: Yeah, it's just at the bottom there, see.

Sue: Still single I see.

Mac: Yeah.

Sue: I find that… I find that hard to believe.

Mac: Yeah

- - -

Caroline: (whistles)

Ange: What?

Caroline: Angela.

Ange: Yeah.

Caroline: Angela

Ange: Hmm.

Caroline: Angela.

Ange: Hmm.

Caroline: I might have got a pen top stuck in my nose.

Ange: Let's have a look… oh, aw. How on earth did you do that?

Caroline: I wasn't thinking. No, my hand was on my head and I slipped and the top of my pen just…

Ange: Ok, let's have a look. Let's have a look … Oh, try blowing it out… no, blowing it out through your nose… no, no, you see, no, ok, come along.

- - -

Mac: So, perhaps if you could just sign here, just at the bottom.

Sue: Ok, alrighty, there we go.

Mac: That's great, thank you very much.

Sue: Thankyou, thankyou.

Sue withholds the form.

Mac: Very good. Er.

Sue: There you go, there you go. Alright, Thankyou Dr Macartney.

Mac: Thankyou.

Sue: Thankyou. You know something? You are going to make a wonderful consultant.

Mac: That's very kind of you. See you later, bye bye.

Sue: Bye bye. Bye bye now. (sniffs his chair)

- - -

Ange: Hello girls.

Rachel: You alright?

Kim: Oh, what's up with her.

Caroline: I thought we were going to A&E.

Ange: Well we are. Sort of. Erm, is Harriet around?

Kim: I think she's feeding the guinea pigs.

Harriet: Are my ears burning?

Ange: Oh hello Hatty, we've got a pen top, left nostril, slightly protruding.

Harriet: Hello [Snooks].

Caroline: Hello, I'm Dr Todd. Very pleased to meet you. Oh.

Harriet: Look at the faries... there, done.

Caroline: (gasps) That was incredible.

Harriet: Beads up noses, scraped knees or splinters, come to me.

Caroline: Thankyou, thanks very much. Erm, look, I'm having a party, tonight, and you're all invited.

Ange: Back to work, back to work.

Kim: Oh.

?: Right, tops.

- - -

Xrays on lightbox.

Alan: So the second stage of the scan is the powerful stage pulse of radio waves that knock the protons out of alignment… Is that a mobile phone? Come on.

Boyce: Was what a mobile phone?

Alan: That noise.

Boyce: I didn't hear a noise?

Alan: Well I did.

Boyce: Can you describe it?

Alan: Yes, it was a kind of chirrup.

Boyce: A chirrup.

Alan: Yes, a chirrup, like ‘chirrup'.

Boyce: Could it have been a chaffinch? Stuck in the ventilation shaft?

Alan: No it wasn't a chaffinch Mr Boyce, a chaffinch goes ‘twit, twit, twit, twit, twit, twit, twee, twoo'.

Boyce: Chifchaf?

Alan: A chifchaf. I wonder what sort of noise the onomatopoeically named chifchaf makes.

Boyce: A sort of chirrup noise?

Alan: Chifchaf. Chifchaf. Chifchaf. Chifchaf. Chifchaf. Chifchaf. Chifchaf.

Boyce: You're beginning to sound a bit like a tit.

Alan: Come here, come on, come here. Arms up.

Boyce: I'm unarmed, I swear to god.

Alan: Assume the position.

Boyce makes engine noises.

Alan: Stop that.

Boyce: I can't help it, you've got really masterful hands.

Alan: No I haven't. Ah ha. Now I can only assume that this is of the utmost importance & can therefore be shared with the entire class.

Boyce: Oooh, I'm not sure that er…

Alan: Er, ‘hello B K…

Boyce: Hello Boyce.

Alan: Oh yes, hello Boyce, yes. I W N T…

Boyce: Want.

Alan: Oh yes, want. You with a U, very clever, yes. I want you to c, c, c…

Boyce: Come.

Alan: Oh yes, come. I want you to come on my t, t, t…

Boyce: It's quite forward isn't it. She's a primary school teacher aswell.

Alan: Come, come. You're telling me a primary school teacher sent you this poorly spelt barrage of filth.

Boyce: Yeah, I haven't phoned her for a while.

Alan: What are they like in your depraved world?

Boyce: You know what women are like, hey, Rambo. The way they get keener when you get meaner, less available, more mysterious. They love all that, you know. They'll do anything to a man they think is mysterious. Enigmatic.

Alan: (splutters) Because of Mr Boyce's diversion we've run out of time for today so er, erm, shoo. Yes, shoo, shoo, shoo, go on, and you, shoo.

- - -

AD BREAK

- - -

Martin & Sue in her office.

Sue: Something's troubling you Martin.

Martin: No, nothing, honestly.

Sue: Don't lie to me Martin. Do not lie to me.

Martin: I'm not lying.

Sue: Is it the party?

Martin: Uh, you know about the party?

Sue: Is the little party bothering you Martin?

Martin: Yes, yes it is.

Sue: Ha ha, I knew it. You see, it wasn't that difficult was it.

Martin: Aae you going to go?

Sue: Well I haven't erm, haven't been invited. Thought maybe perhaps you could possibly perhaps maybe have a word with them perhaps.

Martin: I could do. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Sue: Is that, erm what's his name, Dr, Dr, Dr Macartney, is he going?

Martin: I think so.

Sue: I see.

Martin: See the thing is, I think I need to get some clothes.

Sue: You've got no clothes? Oh don't worry Martin. Just go in your white coat, you look splendid.

Martin: No, no. I have got clothes. But, you know, I mean I just haven't got anything cool. You know, I don't know what kind of clothes women like.

Sue: You're going to go in women's clothes?

- - -

Alan studying an xray.

Alan: Hmm, mysterious, hmm… (phones Joanna)

Joanna: Yeah.

Alan: Hello, it's me.

Joanna: Yeah, what do you want?

Alan: I'm not in your office.

Joanna: Yeah, so what about it?

Alan: Normally I would have come to see you but today, well… (chuckles) I have better things to do.

Joanna: So…

Alan: So…

Joanna: So piss off & do them. (hangs up)

Alan: Hmm. I rather think the lady hath a fish hook in her lip.

Joanna's office:

Joanna: Hmm.

Alan's office:

Alan: That's it.

- - -

Sue: Get your kit off. Kit off. Right, now, if it's clothes you're after how about these for starters? (hands over a shirt) …Ok, how's that?

Martin: Well it's a bit crispy here…

Sue: Crispy…

Martin: …and here.

Sue: Crispy, creeping jesus, these were supposed to have been washed.

Martin: Washed? You mean they're not new?

Sue: No, it's not new. Why would I have a box of new clothes in my office? No, no, Martin, it's not new. This is the dead box.

Martin: What, these are the clothes of dead people?

Sue: The name hasn't fool you then?

Martin: That is disgusting!

Sue: Don't be so soft, there's nothing wrong with it. Look… fatal RTA, fatal RTA, stroke victim. I waited three days for these, saved me a fortune. But, if it's not good enough for you Martin I'll just have to take you shopping.

Martin: Oh, brilliant.

Sue: Yes, well not now you fucking twat. Out! Go & dance with your midget elf friends.

- - -

Lyndon's Office.

Joanna: Hi.

- - -

Operating theatre.

Guy: So if you had to kill someone out of work, do you reckon you could?

Mac: What, kill an unemployed person?

Guy: No. Outside of work. Not at the hospital.

Mac: Hmm, I dunno.

Guy: I reckon I could, if they came at me.

Mac: Yeah? What, hand to hand?

Guy: Yeah, well you know, if he had a sword or something. I reckon reflexes would take over.

Mac: See, if someone came at me with a sword, my reflex would be to run away.

Guy: Yeah but sometimes you're just not in a running away mood. You know. Or maybe I've got a sword as well.

Mac: How come you both have swords?

Guy: Maybe we're in a sword shop.

Mac: Oh, right? What that local sword shop down the road on the high street?

Guy: Yeah. Yeah, you know. So if we're in a sword shop. I reckon I'd be ready, I reckon I could take him… (kicks tube) Oh. I got the blower thing. Where's it…

- - -

Joanna: What if you had an important ally. You know, someone high up in the, er, hospital management? Someone sophisticated & slightly older maybe, who could help you, if you get my meaning.

Lyndon: That would be unfair and, like I say, my wages really are fine. Thanks.

Joanna: Right, Lyndon, Lyndon, you're forgetting, I'm head of human resources. I know exactly how much you earn.

Lyndon: You forget, I'm head of the database. I know exactly how ‘slightly older' you are.

Joanna: Oh, gorgeous shoes.

Lyndon: Watch your head.

Joanna: Sorry. Very interesting what you have there.

- - -

Guy: I could happily kill everyone with a baseball cap.

Mac: Yeah, what, with one baseball cap?

Guy: No, if you get everyone, all people, loads of people together who are wearing baseball caps. I'd happily kill them.

Mac: With a sword?

Guy: Yeah.

Mac: Of course you could.

Guy: What if you had to kill your own dad?

Mac: Ok, she's out of here. Thank you very much. You know, we're very lucky to have people like you working in the caring professions.

Guy: That's right. Oh shit. What's going on? [Video cam]. Yeah, you don't fool me sleepy.

- - -

Sue & Martin in shop.

Sue: I think this, try that? Hmm? Have you got a hoodie? Well?

Martin: I'm circumcised actually.

Sue: A hoodie!

Martin: Oh hoodie, hood. Oh, yes, well. It makes you look like you're in a gang. I know what you're thinking. I'm not Jewish.

- - -

Alan walks into Lyndon's office.

Lyndon: Take a seat… Look is this something to do with Joanna Clure? …Want to talk about it?… Look if there's a problem I'm sure we can… no really, I… (Alan strips) I'm not sure that I'm with you here… Fucking hell.

- - -

Caroline runs out of the hospital.

- - -

Guy, Martin & Mac walk along the corridor.

Guy: You alright Fartin?

Mac: Don't listen to him. I think he's quite excited about the party.

Martin: Yes, I'm just er, I'm just practising my dancing. I think my moves are getting a little funkee.

Mac: Funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

Mac: No, funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

Mac: No, funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

Mac: Funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

Mac: Fun… say it with me, say it with me… funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

Guy: Oh for christ's sake.

Mac: Funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

Mac: No, funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

Mac: No, ready, funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

Mac: Funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

Mac: Funkay, funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

Mac: Funkay.

Guy: FUNKAY.

Mac: Yeah alright. Funkay.

Martin: Funkee.

- - -

Joanna walks into Alan' office.

Joanna: Alan, what the fuck have you been up to?

Alan: Oh, you know, things. My own secret things.

Joanna: Yeah, why?

Alan: Ahhh ha ha.

Joanna: Are you ever going to stop being such an utter wanker?

Alan: Joanna I don't care what you're thinking or feeling but please don't damage hospital property.

Joanna: Yeah, why?

Alan: All I'm saying is that this is a hospital, not some kind of a stunt show.

Joanna: You… what do you think you're doing?

Alan: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Alright, I've been being mysterious alright?

Joanna: Why?

Alan: You don't want to know why… ow!

Joanna: I do.

Boyce walks in unnoticed.

Alan: Ow! Alright, so you'll give me mr wanky with your finger in my back door, alright?

Boyce: Er, well, we've erm finished the modules so I'll just put them there shall I?

Alan: Yes, nearly finished rehearsing the play.

Joanna: Just learning through our lines.

- - -

Caroline returns. Changes her shoes. Walks along the corridor going lower. Mac & Guy walk past.

Mac: Ah, I thought I hadn't seen much of you this afternoon. Do you need a doctor?

Guy: Or will Mac do?

Caroline: No, no, I'm just, er, wearing my shoes in for tonight. (Mac joins her on the floor, Guy stars at her arse) You are both coming aren't you.

Mac: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Will there, will there be many vertical people there.

Caroline: Yeah, I hope so.

Mac: Then so shall we.

- - -

AD BREAK

- - -

House party.

Caroline: Two lab technicians & a porter. I told you no-one would come. Everyone's probably having a great time down the pub right now.

Angela: No, no, no, they wouldn't do that. Oh, beer number two. We could get some dancing going.

Liam: Yeah, in a while, it's a bit early for that.

Angela: Have a little nibble.

Liam: Not right now.

Angela: Go on, just to line your stomach.

Liam: Not right now.

- - -

Rachel, Boyce & Kim in the pub.

Kim: I can match you drink for drink sad boy.

Boyce: Well she's got spunk but can she back it up.

Kim: Let's do two, straight down.

Rachel: Oh no.

Boyce: Oh ho ho. Fighting talk from the brunette. Barman, six of your finest morphine mind-whoppers please. This will blow your tits off.

Rachel: I'm going to be sick.

Boyce: It's just you & me. Tell you what, if you're still standing after this I'll let you put my hand in your pants.

Kim: Still standing.

- - -

Alan creeps into the admin office & phones Joanna.

Joanna: Yeah?

Alan: I can see you.

Joanna: What?

Alan: I ask the questions.

Joanna: Go on then.

Alan: I can see everything you're doing.

Joanna: Who are you supposed to be exactly?

Alan: My, my name is irrelevant. And you asked a question, I aked you not to ask it. Don't. Otherwise there, ah hello…

Joanna: Ah, you must be Mr Irrelevant. What are you going to do to me now then mystery man?

Alan: I'm going to push you into a car & drive you to a secret location & do unspeakable things to you.

Joanna: Oooh, unspeakable things.

Alan: Yes

Joanna: Go on then.

Alan: Can you drive? I've only got the bike & I'm not insured.

Joanna: Do my own abduction? Do I have to do everything.

Alan: Well, no. It'll be alright ‘cos it'll be very unpleasant for you.

- - -

Guy & Mac arrive at the party.

Guy: Oh look, Boyce's pulled… Er cool.

Martin: Yeah?

Guy: No shit… brace yourselves girls, the class has arrived (goes to kiss three girls). Oooh… No, alright… Rachel.

Rachel: Well remembered.

Guy: Yeah, have you got a dog Rachel?

Rachel: Yeah, a westie actually. Well, it's my mum's but I still look after it.

Guy: Yeah, do you let it lick your face?

Rachel: Sometimes.

Guy: I thought so, yeah (joins Mac in kitchen)… Oh look, there goes a BFB.

Mac: What's that?

Guy: BFB, better from behind.

Mac: You're so sensitive.

Guy: (Rachel walks past) Fashion tip, if you're getting skin wings, your bra's too tight.

Mac: Goths, superb.

Guy: Yeah, the point of them is…?

Mac: What I love is the way they pretend they're being ugly on purpose. It's genious.

Guy: Yeah, oh look, it's the love-child of Wayne Sleep & Godzilla. What are you, the eighth dwarf, Twatty? I mean, even if you were from the future you'd still be wrong. Actually, do you know what I like about this outfit?

Mac: What's that?

Guy: Fuck all.

- - -

Alan: Yeah, and then I thought of course I would wear the balaclava. Which would add to the…

Joanna: Yeah, that might help actually. Can you put it on?

Alan: Well I'd rather save it for later as I've an intolerance to wool.

Joanna: Show me.

Alan: Well I'll do it for a bit. I'll go blotchy… I can do it.

Joanna: I'm just going to get my coat.

Alan: It's going to be very bad for you in the woods.

Man: Evening Dr Statham.

Alan: Very good. Good evening.

Joanna: Can you do any other voices?

Alan: Ah… Mexican bandit.

Joanna: No, I don't think so.

Alan: Er… an American. This is very itchy. Well, um.

Joanna: What else?

Alan: Marlon Brando.

- - -

Martin looks for Caroline at the party.

Karen: Hi.

Martin: Have you seen Caroline?

Karen: No. I'm Karen.

Martin: I'm Martin.

Karen: I know.

Martin: How do you do?

Caroline: So, you & Angela.

Liam: Me & Angela.

Caroline: Angela & you. You seem to be seeing quite a lot of each other.

Liam: Oh yes. I wasn't really looking for a relationship but she's irresistible isn't she.

Caroline: Well I have managed to resist so far.

Liam: I don't think I've ever been out with anyone so absolutely perfect… although, she does dance a bit like a wolf.

Caroline: Yeah, odd that.

Karen: You're a doctor aren't you?

Martin: Yeah.

Karen: You look just like one… Is your wife a doctor?

Martin: Wife? No, she's not. I mean I don't have a wife.

Karen: Is your girlfriend a doctor?

Martin: I don't have a girlfriend.

Karen: What?

Martin: I don't have a girlfriend.

Rachel: Shame.

- - -

Harriet arrives at work. The cleaner is there.

Harriet: Morning Leslie.

Leslie: Evening you mean?

Harriet: I fell asleep. Wrong sort of nine o'clock.

- - -

Caroline & Mac laughing at the party.

Caroline: You're funny.

Mac: Yeah? It's a trick of the light.

Random couple doing drugs off a CD.

Martin: That is fucking brilliant.

Sue approaches Mac.

Sue: Waw.

Mac: Waw.

Sue: Have I erm ever told you about the little pink rabbit?

Mac: No, no, I don't think you have.

Sue: The little pink rabbit that lives down a little magic rabbit hole?

Mac: Nope, I think I'd have remembered that.

Sue: Some people think the little pink rabbit doesn't exist. Because they haven't been able to find it.

Mac: Really?

Sue: Do you think you'd be able to find it?

Mac: I could have a guess.

Sue: I don't mind you having a stab in the dark.

Mac: Does the rabbit live in an enchanted forest?

Sue: Yeah.

Mac: Yeah.

Sue: Yes, yes it does.

Mac: Does the rabbit only pop his little head out every once in a while?

Sue: Yes!

Mac: Does the rabbit like a nice big carrot?

Sue: Absolutely.

Mac: Can I say one thing at this point, yeah?

Sue: Yep.

Mac: I haven't got a clue what I'm talking about.

Sue: Yeah you have.

Mac: I haven't.

Sue: You have!

Mac: Have not. Have not.

Sue: You have!

Mac: Have not. (sneaks away)

Sue: Don't you worry mr bunny. We're not finished yet.

Guy's looking at the wine.

Martin: Oh yeah, I brought that.

Guy: Yeah, oh nice choice Martin. Chateau de la shite, yeah. (gargles) Mmm, yep.

Martin: Nice?

Guy: Pure tramp juice.

Martin: Well yeah, yeah, I've got my own criteria actually so...

Guy: Yeah, oh really, let me guess… Anything that's �4.99 because �2.99 is too low & ten is too much. So you stand there & think ‘I really should buy a chablis' but fuck it, it's only a party, I can't be bothered. So what you end up with is this. I mean, vin de pays for what you get & what you get is shite. Now, am I right?

Martin: No.

Guy: Yeah, well I am actually mate because I'm exactly the same. (put his arm round Martin, on the spikes) They're weeping. I have exactly the same criteria myself.

Martin: Yeah alright then. No, I admit it. I did…

Guy: Yeah, I knew it, you pleb.

Boyce & Kim are drinking in the bath.

Boyce: Alright, it's my turn. It's my turn & if you get this one wrong you have to, erm, you have to take a shower.

Kim: Right.

Boyce: Ok, Kim. On an xray of which organ would you find [endochioditis] of the tricuspid valve?

Kim: Is it Brazil?

Boyce: I'm sorry, that's the incorrect answer. I'm afraid I'm going to have to make you wet.

Guy dances with a woman.

Caroline talks to a woman.

Caroline: There are some new [slurred word] just over there. I think they can help you.

Martin: What's the difference between jumping on a trampoline & jumping on a baby?

Caroline: Er…

Martin: You have to take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Caroline: Not if it's your trampoline.

Martin: True. Funny though isn't it?

Caroline shakes her head & walks away.

- - -

Alan & Joanna in a car.

Alan: Drive.

Joanna: I am.

Alan: Well keep doing so.

Joanna: Where?

Alan: Go right here, now.

Joanna: Right.

Alan: Did you indicate?

Joanna: Yes.

Alan: Into second.

Joanna: You're sounding like a driving instructor now.

Alan: Shut up. I make the rules here.

Joanna: You'll be tapping the dashboard with your clipboard in a minute.

Alan: Now, you shut up. I'm in charge. I'm getting quite itchy.

Joanna: Keep it on.

Alan: I'm your worst nightmare.

Joanna: Yeah, you're telling me. The degree of menace is killing me.

Alan: I'm steaming up. (wipes glasses)

- - -

Guy dances with another woman.

Martin & Karen sit on the stairs.

Karen: Are you ok?

Martin: Yeah, I'm alright… Listen. You're a woman, a female. If someone fancied you, well more than fancied you, they loved you & they wanted to tell you but they weren't sure of the response but they did it anyway, would you slap them?

Karen: Maybe I'd be pleased.

Martin: I don't think she'd be pleased.

Karen: You don't know that.

Martin: I do know that. No one's ever fancied me before, ever.

Karen: What about me?

Martin: What, has no woman ever fancied you either?

Karen: I really like you.

Martin: Yeah well, no offence but I'm a bit sick & tired of girls saying they like me. It's not the same as fancy is it.

Karen: Well I'd sleep with you if you wanted.

Martin: Yeah. As a friend.

Karen: You're very, very attractive.

Martin: Yeah, I know. But she doesn't think so. She just thinks I'm nice… Do you want to play with my slinky?… Going to get a drink.

- - -

Alan: Stop the car now.

Joanna: Alright Mr Forceful. Time to have your mysterious way with me.

Alan: Are you telling me that Mr Frankfurter can look inside the bun?

Joanna: Mmm. Uh uh. Out there. In the park.

Alan: I think the gates are locked.

Joanna: We can climb the fence.

Alan: But we're not allowed to do that my sexy darling.

Joanna: Allowed? Allowed? What sort of a mystery kidnapper are you?

Alan: One that's loath to contravene the local bylaws but…

Joanna: You sound like a local counsellor now.

Alan: Probably not to have… in here… yes, right. Get out of the car you. Right, over there.

- - -

AD BREAK

- - -

Guy & Mac watch Caroline dancing.

Mac: So have you given up on her?

Guy: Far from it. It's all part of the grand scheme. Anyway, she's TDTF.

Mac: She's certainly TDTD.

Guy: To drunk to dig, doodle, defecate…

Mac: Dance.

Guy: Yeah, watch & learn.

Guy goes & dances with Caroline. Then he walks off.

Martin: Caroline, Caroline.

Caroline: Yeah, not now Martin.

- - -

Brick wall blocks action.

Alan: Up you go.

Joanna: Oh.

Alan: Up, oh no that's me. Robert Kilroy-Silk.

Joanna: No.

Alan: What about Charlton Heston?

Joanna: No.

Alan: Or… no, no [weights would be] too small.

- - -

Guy opens front door.

Caroline: Shit are you going?

Guy: Yeah. I thought I'd go now.

Caroline: You, you don't wanna stay here?

Guy: In the hall?

Caroline: You could sleep in my bed. You let me sleep in yours once.

Guy: Where would you sleep?

Caroline: Maybe I wouldn't be doing much sleeping.

Guy: You alright?

Caroline: Yep. So, do you want to spend the night?

Guy: Yes. But only when it's right.

Caroline: When will it be right?

Guy: Soon.

Caroline: But it's not right now?

Guy: No.

Caroline: You're sure it won't be alright?

Guy: I'm sure. Yes, we just need to spend some special time together. We just need to work up to it till we feel we're about to explode.

Guy & Caroline kiss.

Caroline: I think I might explode now.

Guy: We have to wait.

Caroline: We have to wait.

Guy: Yes.

Guy leaves.

Martin runs upstairs. Sue blocks him with her leg.

Martin: Just going to get some gum out my coat.

Sue: Crack cocaine?

Martin: No thankyou. (goes into bedroom) You are a strong, manly man. You are a strong, manly man.

Boyce: Thanks very much.

Martin: Boyce! Great, are you going to crash here? We could have a slumber party, talk about girls, just kind of…

Kim: Piss off Martin.

Martin: Kim! What are you doing here.

Kim: Having sex.

Martin: Right, well ok, I'll go somewhere else. (leaves room)

Boyce: We'll have that slumber party thing another time, eh mate.

Sue: Yeah, man.

Martin: (in toilet mirror) Right, show no fear. No fear, roar… (knock on door) yeah, fine, er yeah. Erm, I love you. No, I love you.

Caroline at front door seeing people off.

Caroline: Bye. Bye. Oh, who are you? Bye. Oh, thanks for coming. Oh, oh you were here? Oh well, thankyou for coming.

Sue: Thankyou Dr Trodd for inviting me to your party.

Caroline: I didn't know I did but you're here & now you're going so that's all that matters.

Sue kisses Caroline.

Caroline: I've been sick.

Sue: Well, so have I. And I am completely shaved.

Caroline: Oh my god.

Sue: Bye, bye then. I'll see you at work.

Caroline: Bye.

Sue: Thankyou.

Sue leaves humming.

Martin: I'm partially shaved.

Caroline: Oh god. Are you leaving?

Martin: Well no, not necessarily.

Caroline: Oh good, so I don't have to kiss you then.

Martin: Although I have got exams so perhaps I should.

Caroline: Oh, have you? Oh. Night, night then Martin. Thankyou for coming.

Caroline kisses Martin.

Caroline: Oh sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm a little bit stupid. It wasn't you I wanted, it was the kitchen.

Martin: Thankyou, thankyou. Maybe I could stay a bit longer & leave again later. It's not actually that late.

- - -

In the park.

Alan: Oh yes, at last. The infidel is at the gates.

Joanna: He's going to have to knock a bit harder. Ooh! Oh, yep, yep.

- - -

Caroline & Martin sat drinking shots.

Caroline: Ok, what shall we drink to now Martin?

Martin: Umm.

Caroline: I know. Goats! With hooves.

Martin: Ok.

Caroline: Goats with hooves. May they always be sure-footed & never fall from the mountain & break their spindly legs.

Caroline falls backwards on her stool, Mac catches her.

Mac: Woo. Could she be drunk?

Martin: Yeah, she's had 21 shots of tequila…

Caroline: 22.

Martin: & four shots of undiluted orange squash… I bloody love her.

Mac: Yep. I think we'd better get her up to the bathroom. Come on.

- - -

Alan & Joanna grunting in the park.

Joanna: No, you're going to have to pretend you're someone else. Perhaps, perhaps you've come to mend something?

Alan: Right, erm, Hello, I've come to mend an appliance for you.

Joanna: Be more specific & use a deeper voice.

Alan: Hello, I've come to fix a problem in your fax modem. That er, oooh let's have a feel, there it is, oooh yeah.

Joanna: That's more like it. Yeah, go on, sort me. Sort me.

Alan: Oh yes, oh yes.

- - -

Mac & Caroline in the bathroom.

Caroline: Oh no, it's ok …

Mac: Yeah?

Caroline: It's ok. It's gone again.

Mac: Alright.

Caroline: Oh. I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. I'm ok now.

Mac: Yeah?

Caroline: I've only eaten hula hoops today.

Mac: Very good.

Caroline: You're a very attractive man, aren't you.

Mac: Yeah, yeah, I know.

Caroline & Mac kiss.

Caroline: That was nice.

Mac: Mmm.

Caroline: But I feel I should remind you that you have just kissed a sicky mouth.

- - -

Karen crys & plays with a wrecked slinky.

Kim: He's not worth it, Karen.

Karen: Yes, he is.

Kim: No, he isn't.

Karen: Yes, he is.

Kim: No, he isn't.

Karen: Yes, he is.

Kim: He's got pink trousers on, Karen.

Karen: I like them.

Kim: Oh get over it. He's not even a proper doctor.

- - -

Mac & Caroline go to kiss again.

Martin: Erm, I got the, got the water.

Mac: Excellent, excellent. Come on, let's get you up. I'm going to leave you in the very capable hands of Dr Martin Dear. Ok?

Caroline: Ok.

Mac: I hope you feel better soon.

Caroline: Thankyou very much Dr Macartney.

Mac: Thankyou for coming to see me.

Caroline: Thankyou Doctor.

Mac: See ya.

Caroline: Bye.

Martin: Ok. Erm. Oh sorry. Oh. Erm, listen, shall I just carry you to your room?

Caroline: No. I think I'd probably crush you if you did. (falls unconscious)

Martin: (carrying her) Oh sorry, sorry. Oh sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

- - -

Alan: Have you taken an extended warranty out madam?

Joanna: What?

Alan: An extended warranty. It's well worth the extra money as it covers even accidental damage.

Joanna: Like what?

Alan: Oh.

Joanna: Oh my god.

Alan: That's right, that's right, that's right, that's right…